Last week’s epic episode not only delivered high drama, but apparently it also served up some seriously high ratings as well. It was such a high-water mark for the series that any follow-up episode was going to feel a little lacking. Last night’s installment turned the work room into more of a boardroom, which is about as much fun as it sounds.

Yes, even drag queens — supposedly our most irreverent artists — are slaves to the marketing machine. Just like bottled water or a bank or Doritos, drag queens also need to worry about their brand. The remaining six queens were tasked with creating a product that represented their personal brand and then filming a commercial.

We’re breaking down the top sellers in our SPOILER-filled recap, and if you order now, we’ll throw in our weekly rankings of the queens at no extra charge. Operators are standing by, below.

I get that RuPaul is very into the importance of branding, and she’s right! Branding is important! And Ru is a great example of someone who truly has built an empire around a very specific and well-developed brand. But! I think it’s a bit of stretch to expect every drag queen to be so savvy. That’s evidenced each time this sort of challenge is presented. Most of these girls have a hard time wrapping their minds around creating this sort of far-flung empire.

It seems like a particularly strange skill to stress, especially when the show has removed most sewing/construction challenges — skills that seem much more relevant and important to a successful drag queen. Whatever. It’s RuPaul’s world, what she says goes and we’re going to roll with it.

Before we get to the meat of the maxi-challenge, we have to confront Phi Phi’s mirror message, I guess. In possibly the most desperate move in a series of really pathetic and desperate moves, she writes one big final mirror message explaining that she avoided hugs, because she was afraid she would cry? Which is strange? Because she hugged everyone else just fine?

In all the absolute garbage reality-TV I’ve mainlined over the years, I don’t know that I’ve ever encountered a character that was at once so hyper-self-aware and lacking all self-awareness all at once. Maybe Honey Boo-Boo? (Like Phi, she did also started as a pageant queen. If I catch Alana doing some kind of 365 Days of Roadkill Instagram series, I’m going to get seriously suspicious.)

Now let’s all agree to never speak of Phi Phi again.

Last night saw the return of the mini-challenge, and boy was it a silly one. Each gal had to whack a ball putt-putt style along a course, through the legs of Pit Crew members and into a hole using only a … well, actually, I don’t know what to call it. It was a sort of pendulum that hung like a super saggy scrotum between their legs.

The resulting game was more croquet than golf (they call it “butt-butt,” but I feel like “crogay” would’ve been better), and it mostly served as an excuse for the gals to rub all up on the Pit Crew. Alaska wins, but it truly does not matter. It just earns her a bunch of designer boy clothes which I am not interested in at all.

About that branding challenge. Ru brings in Marcus Lemonis from CNBC to give overly earnest and serious business advice to these IMAGINARY DRAG QUEEN GAG GIFTS, and all the ladies listen solemnly to his critiques. It’s very strange. I sort of wonder if his appearance was a weird, drag Jedi mind trick.

The queen he tells to scrap her whole idea (Katya) ignores him and ends up in the top, while the one who took his advice (Roxxxy) and the one he liked the most (Tati) were both in the bottom. Go figure! Ru did have to explain how a lace-front wig works to him at one point, so maybe he’s not exactly the most qualified person for this role.

Alaska joins Katya in the top, of course. After a pants (pants, PANTS!) on the runway show, Alaska and Katya serve Joan Jett rock ‘n’ roll lip sync to “Cherry Bomb” with Alaska named the winner. (It was a strange, plodding song to dance to, but Alaska’s final kicks really sold it.) Long live RoLaskaTox, apparently, because she chooses to save Roxxxy, despite this being Ms. Andrews’ fourth time in the bottom. Tatianna is sent packing.

That means there are only five ladies left. Let’s see where they landed in our rankings:

1. I mean, we should just hand the win to Alaska now, right? She is dominating the entire competition, and it doesn’t even seem like she’s breaking a sweat. She even won the nonsensical mini-challenge with ease. Her commercial evidenced a layer of sophistication and vision that no other queen even came close to achieving. I might have wagered her runway look would’ve drawn more criticism than it did, but that American flag reveal was worth the questionable wig.

Considering how much she struggled with choreo during her season, I’m also surprised at how skillfully she’s figured out how to transform her awkward, gangly weaknesses into uniquely entertaining strengths during the lip syncs. She might be unstoppable.

2. The only gal who might pose a threat to Alaska’s assumed victory is Alyssa Edwards. The beloved Texas beauty is adored by the judges (and fans). Now that the majority of acting/comedy challenges are likely behind us, she stands a much stronger chance to outlast her competitors.

3. It was a strong showing from Katya this week, but it didn’t feel as momentous as others’ victories. She wisely ignored the advice of Marcus Lemonis, and her commercial was better for it. She went in with a much more conceptual approach to her ad, but she didn’t stick the landing as well as Alaska.

I love that she incorporated her own struggles with anxiety (very on-brand!), and I enjoyed her spin on a very campy, 1950s sort of commercial for the hopeless housewife. She definitely earned her spot in the top, but I agree she was out ‘synced by Alaska. (That Neve Campbell look was fierce, though.)

4. Was it just me, or was Graham Norton’s criticism of Detox‘s prototype unnecessarily harsh? She’s not an engineer, gurl! It was hokey, but it was cute. I love Detox, and she’s been pretty consistent this whole season. I just haven’t really been blown away yet, and it’s too late now to shake Alaska or Alyssa.

5. Tatianna‘s runway look. Tatianna’s runway look. Tatianna’s! Run. Way. Look! Gagging even doesn’t do it justice. It transported me back in time to when I was a little gay boy spending hours memorizing the entire rap verse to “Waterfalls” instead of going outside to play baseball or whatever. It left me SLAYED (or, one might say, another body laying cold in the gutter). Her commercial was FINE, and she definitely bested Roxxxy on the runway.

I do not understand Alaska’s logic (or should I say choices) here. I see how it was hard to compare apples to apples, since we don’t know how Tati would have performed in the two challenges she missed. But, even if she was in the bottom for both, that still would’ve tied her with Roxxxy for most times in the bottom. Plus, technically Tatianna had one more win than Roxxxy, and her runway was far superior. I am not pleased. Not pleased at all.  Considering how beloved Alaska, Alyssa and Katya already were, I feel like Tati has made the most with her second chance on TV.

6. Ugh, Roxxxy! You were done, I was done, we were all done. It was painful to watch her try to think through her commercial concept, and what was that runway look? She looked like David Beador at the Real Housewives of Orange County ’70s party. No thanks. In the immortal words of NeNe Leakes: “Go home wig. Goodbye wig. Go away. Bye wig.” Unfortunately, next week’s family-themed challenge seems like it might set Roxxxy up for an emotional episode and triumphant victory.

How would you rank the queens this week?

The post Ru’s The Boss On A Business-Savvy Episode of ‘Drag Race All Stars’ [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

Another week, another hour of watching Robert Sepulveda Jr. shuffle through potential mates like they’re manila envelopes full of Creatine and facial moisturizer. We’re at the point now where I at least feel like I know everyone’s name, but we’re still early enough in this courtship for the dates to crackle with all the passion and romance of the greeting card aisle at CVS.

With much less drama going on at the house, all the focus is back on our titular Prince, who is unfortunately the least interesting part of this show.

Is anyone closer to stealing his heart? Who will have to turn in their tie? And has anyone caught that pesky canary yet? Find out in our Finding Prince Charming recap, below.

Surprise! Robert’s here for a morning blitz. How many times can Robert or Lance “surprise” the guys at the house in the morning? They’re always aghast that they’ve still got their curlers in or whatever. At this point, shouldn’t they just assume that, I don’t know, if the cameras are there, they should be dressed, coiffed and lubed up, just in case?

The guys manage to put themselves together enough to cook breakfast with the Prince. I keep trying to get a handle on what they’re cooking, but the only finished dishes I spot are maybe a plate of eggs, some cantaloupes stuffed with cottage cheese and a bowl of sliced cucumbers. Someone was chopping peppers at one point, and someone made bacon, but I assure you there was not a carb in sight.

Robert pulls Paul away to reconnect, and Robby wonders what the Robert sees in him. I can’t say I disagree. I would say Paul is human Ambien, but I think that underestimates how fun Ambien can be in the right context.

Chad also wants to sneak in some alone time with Robert, so he wrangles him into one of those hanging rattan sex swings that are all over the patio. They start to kiss, and I feel like it’s the most successful, human adult kiss we’ve seen yet. You still catch glimpses of Robert’s tongue flopping onto Chad’s mouth like the midpoint of a drive-through carwash against a windshield, but I guess that’s just his signature move.

One more one-on-one chat, this time with Dillon, clears up any lingering tension following last week’s dust-up. With all that drama settled, it’s time for Lance Bass to appear and introduce the latest convoluted set-up to another round of sloppy kissing.

This week, Robert will go on a “three-course date” — one guy for the appetizer course, one for the main and one for dessert. Lance tries to explain this as seductively as possible, but it actually just kind of makes it sound like Robert is going to cannibalize them.

To keep things interesting (relatively speaking), Robert awards the dates to the three guys with whom he’s had the least one-on-one time so far. He chooses to have Robby for an appetizer (and Robby reacts as only RuPaul’s Drag Race’s Alaska as Mae West could). He’ll share a main course with Eric and then dessert with Brandon.

Robert keeps describing Robby as “ … fun” throughout the whole episode, complete with that little hesitation each time. He’s saying “… fun,” but what he means is theatrical, dramatic, feminine, light in the loafers, swishy. It’s what makes Robby so endearing and such a welcome presence among these bores, but it also seems like something that makes Robert a little uncomfortable.

On their date, Robert presses Robby to see if his humor is actually a coping mechanism to hide something dark and sinister within him. Robby, bless him, assures him that no, he just has a personality. In this crew, I can see how that warrants explanation. The two share a kiss, but it’s very brief and Robert keeps his tongue contained to his own mouth, which I think means he’s not very into it. You guys, I get the sneaking suspicion that Robert is just a terrible kisser.

Eric’s date with Robert is more successful, I guess. It gets interesting for a moment when Eric tells Robert he’s not into open relationships, even though they’re so prevalent in the gay community. It almost seems like this show is going to dive in and explore something interesting about the gay community, but nope! They both just immediately agree that it’s monogamy or bust and then start talking about whose parents hug each other more, or something. It’s very sexy dinner convo.

It’s a wonder they both weren’t crushed by the irony of having this entire conversation about the power of monogamy while on a reality show in which one of them is simultaneously dating a house full of strangers. They seem to enjoy their meal, despite numerous awkward silences between them. Eric is pretty, in a dead-eyed Abercrombie assistant manager sort of way, so I understand Robert’s interest. Still, I think I’d rather be waterboarded with Muscle Milk than have to sit through such a boring date.

Robert’s time with Brandon is the best of the three, and, dare I say, actually sort of charming. Brandon opens up about his recovery from alcohol and cocaine addiction, and the show resists the urge to play it up for drama.

Instead, Brandon is remarkably candid without being overly emotional about his recovery, and Robert says it’s sexy that he’s owning it. For all the ragging on this show I do (and will continue to do), I actually really enjoyed this scene, sincerely.

It would be easy to play up the drama of Brandon’s struggles with addiction, or, even easier for Robert to tell him how “brave” he is (which is so lazy and cliché). But, instead, he said it was sexy. Addiction is a huge problem in this country, particularly in the gay community. I love seeing this show frame recovery as empowering and sexy. Good job!

The next day, the other guys (Chad, Paul, Dillon and Justin) get to go on a group date at some terrible industrial warehouse fitness bootcamp nightmare hellscape.

Despite the fact each of these guys look like Men.com models, they all struggle to do the workout. Paul, who is built like an action figure, really struggles. He’s super uncomfortable, hesitant to even sit his clean white shorts on the floor. He tells the guys that his trainer gives him cold towels during his workouts so he doesn’t sweat, which is an insane thing to say on no less than three levels.

Watching Paul force a pained smile throughout this date is honestly worth sitting through the whole episode. It’s great. He can barely do situps, which honestly makes me wonder WHAT EVEN IS HIS BODY? IS HIS SKIN JUST FULL OF SAND? I’m so confused!

The whole excursion gets spun into Paul’s complex about being a perfectionist, although the impression I got from the footage we saw was that he was just uppity. It was less about being hard on himself and more about not being adaptable to the slightest amount of discomfort. Anyway, once he shows up to the Black Tie Affair wearing a suit that was either made entirely of leather or just obnoxiously shiny (either way, I’m sure it was stupid expensive), I get the sense his days are numbered.

It comes down to Paul and Robby, who might be too “… fun” for Robert. I swear, after losing Sam the loose cannon and Danique the freak, I’m not sure I can get through this show without Robby! In the end, Robert decides to keep Robby (with the warning that he’ll have to show his serious side), and he sends Paul packing.

Paul is disappointed with the outcome, but I can’t tell you everything he says before departing because I fell asleep halfway through his exit interview.

What did you think of this week’s episode of Finding Prince Charming?

The post Logo’s ‘Prince Charming’ Gets Bored By Perfection [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

Before we spill all the tea on the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, let’s take a minute to discuss the season as a whole (and save the juicy spoilers for below).

This may have been the best season of any RuPaul’s Drag Race (and, hot take, possibly one of the best seasons of any reality competition show ever). Not only was the collection of queens topknotch, but they constructed a nail-biting season where charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent were tested at every turn. Of course, the twist where the girls choose who goes home was inspired, but even the challenges they put together were stellar. You really got the sense that you were seeing these performers pushed to their limits and giving us everything they’ve got.

The caliber of queens on display consistently churned out jaw-dropping, gag-worthy lewks and showcased some of the most clever, thoughtful entertainment anywhere on television. These are artists in every sense of the word, and it is bonkers to think of a world in which they never got this exposure. Praise Ru.

I already can’t stop fantasy casting All Stars 3. (My fantasy draft would include Ongina, Jessica Wild, Ivy Winters, BenDeLaCreme, Laganja Estranga, Acid Betty, Naomi Smalls, Kim Chi, Dida Ritz and Willam. Leave yours in the comments!)

But enough about the future, we’ve got a finale to recap. Onward, to our spoiler-filled recap, below!

The ladies enter the work room after last week’s shocking elimination, and Alaska is still reeling. Her time in the bottom three last week left her seriously shook, though it was Detox’s surprising choice to save Roxxxy that gagged Ru. Katya reveals she would have sent Roxxxy packing if she had been chosen the lip sync victor. Everyone knows that was the right choice, so it’s not like this causes a big to-do.

Michelle Visage is in the house to give the girls their final challenge. They will be writing and recording their own original rap verses for RuPaul’s new track “Read U Wrote U,” appearing on Ru and Michelle’s podcast, What’s the Tee?, and then performing an elaborately choreographed live lip sync to their raps on the runway.

The final choreo for previous Drag Race seasons (i.e. hairography and chiffonography) and the resulting music videos were always a little cheesy, but choreographer Travis Wall has put together some stunning routines for these pros. Most of the queens do a decent job. The exception is Katya, who blows the competition away with aerial splits and headstands that are sure to steal the show.

She’s also the star of the podcasting segment, carrying on an easy conversation with the hostesses that is alternately heartwarming and hilarious. Very #onbrand for her. Detox is charming as well, discussing the influence of Thierry Mugler on her runway fashión. Although these convos appeared to be the most straightforward component of the challenge, the sitdown with Ru and Michelle sends Alaska for another loop. Ru brings up the RoLaskaTox alliance, and it throws Alaska into a tizzy when she returns to the work room, so much so that she can’t even be in the proximity of Detox and Roxxxy.

It’s not quite as off-putting as her meltdown last week, and it’s certainly a lot shorter. Tensions subside, and humor is back in full-effect when the gals get ready for the runway.

In my favorite one-liner of the night, Roxxxy asks what everyone’s favorite moment of the season was, and Alaska answers with a perfect callback to Roxxxy’s season five villainy, shooting back without missing a beat, “When you were in the bottom two.” I can’t imagine producers didn’t pull some strings to create this moment, but it was still a delicious reminder that Roxxxy Andrews is a rancid, mean queen. #neverforget.

The rapping performance is about ten times better than it needs to be. It is hands-down the most wholly satisfying choreography this show has ever done, and the girls’ rhymes themselves were better than expected.

Sure, Roxxxy stunk up the joint a little, but not enough to bring down the overall show. Only Todrick Hall seems to be truly into her portion of the show, reinforcing my firm belief that he’s got terrible taste and must go. (It also made me long for an alternate world where Alyssa rightfully made the top four and made this super group even more superior.)

Ru asks the queens why they deserve to win. Alaska starts things off with a totally flawless response that name-checks some of Drag Race’s greatest moments and flaunts her fanaticism. Alaska knew (or expected) this question was coming, and she prepared accordingly. Katya also has a bit ready that blends her kooky Russian caricature with an earnest moment of gratitude for Ru helping her believe in herself. It’s sweet and funny and perfect. Detox emphasizes her fashion sense, and Roxxxy, well, who cares?

The judges “deliberate,” but, in true reality-TV fashion, these final deliberations are always crafted to make it seem like every finalist could realistically win, and we all know that’s not the case.

Ru doesn’t even allow Roxxxy to entertain the idea she was a first-runner up. Before the final lip sync, she tells her she hasn’t made the cut, righting last week’s terrible wrong, and leaving us with a final three.

The sync itself is a bit of letdown. Slower numbers rarely provide breakout moments. Tonight’s “If I Were Your Woman” by Gladys Knight and the Pips was a missed opportunity to give these three outstanding performers a chance to do something more dynamic. The only notable choice was Alaska’s deliberate make-up smear. A nice touch, but not particularly thrilling.

And the winner is …

1. Alaska, duh. Her spot at the top of the heap was more than well-earned. Like Bob the Drag Queen’s win last season, Alaska’s victory is the result of a player really studying the game and coming prepared. That’s not to deny her talent and competency. If anything, I think it speaks to her work ethic.

2. It was a close call, but Katya eked out a second-place finish, in my mind. She struggled at times, but she’s got a firm grasp on who she is as a performer. I love what Ru said about her comedy: “Everybody’s invited to the party.” That’s what endears her so much to fans. She also gives the best confessional interviews this side of Bianca del Rio.

3. I’ve got to hand it to Detox. She rode a consistent wave throughout this competition, delivering mostly strong performances in the challenges and slaying the runway week after week. With Alaska getting most of the attention for her dominance, it’s easy to forget that Detox won three challenges and only landed in the bottom once. I still think I’d rather look at Detox than listen to her, but she really stepped her game up this season. I think a lot of folks will look back on her with higher regard because of her performance here.

4. Ugh. Roxxxy. This episode ACHED for Alyssa, and you ruined it. (I know, technically, Detox ruined it, but let me have this.) I’m not buying what you’re selling. I don’t buy your redemption storyline. Even Ru knew your presence in this top four was a travesty. That’s why she gasped when you were saved. That’s why you didn’t even get to lip sync with the other girls. You know if Alyssa was still there, all four of them would have done that lip sync, that is just the truth.

I hate to end on such a sour note. Much like the end of the last Presidential Debate (or the end of a Real Housewives reunion), I have challenged myself to say something nice about Roxxxy so I don’t become one of those social media haters. So, I will say that I think she does makeup real well, she can whip wig around like no other and she seems very sweet to her mother.

That’s all, hennies! See you for season 9!

Did the right queen take the crown? Who would cast in All Stars 3? Let us know in the comment.

The post Another Queen Joins The ‘Drag Race All Stars’ Hall of Face [FINALE RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

You know, I was watching the finale of this stellar season of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, and I saw an ad for this show featuring a few posed photos of Robert, all toothy smile and granite-jawed, and I felt a tinge of something. Could it be this show was winning me over? Could I be getting a little excited for the recently greenlit second season? Was I, like so many of these walking Titan Men pop-up ads, actually falling for Robert?

Then I watched last night’s episode, and I thought “Nope!”

How forgettable is our titular Prince Charming? He’s so forgettable that tonight, when the top five guys are asked to recall anything he’s told them about himself over the course of the competition, they are dumbstruck. It’s literally a quiz on Robert’s personality, and they are holding up blank white dry erase boards. If there was a more perfect visual gag this year on television, I don’t know it.

Maybe these guys just work better as still photos. Perhaps next season should just be a series of Instagram photos. (Double-tapping Prince Charming at least sounds like it’s going to attempt to be contemporary.)

Speaking of double-tapping Prince Charming, last night’s episode featured two of the most boring threesomes I’ve seen outside of lesser Cam4 shows. Let’s discuss the dates, the dudes and the drama in our SPOILER-filled recap below.

The guys return from the latest black tie affair, and it’s revealed that, apparently, Robby is dead. Died of a broken heart, I guess, because they are all in deep mourning. In his memory, they all promise to keep the house fun. It is both a wholly over-dramatic gesture (Robby is doing just FINE) and also completely outside any of their skill sets.

Local coyote Lance Bass wriggles his way through the doggy door to spring yet another pointless challenge on the guys. Lance will ask them a series of impossibly mundane questions about the impossibly bland Prince, and the impossibly shallow suitors will write their answers on $1.99 dry erase boards they sell at the front of Target stores.

So much of this show is embarrassing and uncomfortable, but this really took the cake (although it didn’t eat any of it, because, you know, carbs). Lance asks them about Robert’s middle name, his father’s name, his boyhood crush, things of that nature, and the guys are baffled. Their interest in Robert begins and ends at those abs, darling. Justin snags a few points by basically guessing answers, winning the solo date and the power to assign the boys to the other triple dates.

Justin heads with Robert to a local art gallery, where Justin is the first to confess he knows nothing about art. It’s a point he really drives home while looking at an abstract, black and white painting of a naked woman. He says he admires the “clean lines.” Oof. I’m no art historian, but I believe that’s what the art world calls “a reach.”

The absolute best part of the date is when the gallery owner (docent? receptionist? PA?) sets up two canvases and tells Robert and Justin to paint each other. It is every bit as excruciating as you would think. I mean, man, when it comes to shattering gay stereotypes, this show is GROUND-BREAKING, henny. Never again will people assume all gay guys are witty and artistically talented, let me tell you.

Of course, the real challenge is not to produce the best portrait of the other guy. No, no. The true task at hand is to convince the other guy that what he made isn’t completely heinous and killing your fragile self-image. I mean, you could see the beads of sweat dripping down their foreheads as they force themselves to say each other’s paintings aren’t “that bad.” I want a reality show that’s just gay guys with no artistic skills painting portraits of each other until everyone has a nervous breakdown from obsessing if they actually have cankles or not. It’ll be just like those Dove Real Beauty Sketches, except opposite in every way.

Justin had tried to draw a simple, semi-realistic portrait of Robert’s face, and the result would be mediocre by middle school art show standards. Robert opts instead to go a more insufferable pretentious abstract route, sketching Justin as some sort of Uma Thurman-as-pictured-by-Salvador Dalí monster, with the sun shining behind him because, um, he lights up a room? And then actual, honest-to-god happy and sad face because he’s always trying to help people or something. Good gracious.

And yet? That’s the least annoying of the three dates we see. Eric and Brandon join Robert for a little self-defense training. Despite how sexy they keep saying it is to be tackling and straddling one another, I just don’t buy it. It’s the kind of gym that just looks like it smells like sweat and mold and high school bullies. That doesn’t stop them from giggling and woohoo-ing like a bunch of moms on too much chardonnay every time they make body contact.

While I am starting to warm to Brandon, each moment I spend with Eric makes me like him less. Now, I wouldn’t expect to see any of these dudes lining up for a MacArthur Genius Grant any time soon, but man does he seem particularly hollow. I’m not sure if it’s the fact he speaks in such a consistent monotone or if it’s how he’s always seemingly staring into middle distance, but whatever the cause, there just doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of there there.

At least the third date between Robert, Chad and Dillon has some excitement. They take dance lessons, and then hang out in a sad, completely empty club. Trying to make it look sexy with some extra candles or whatever just makes it look more unsettling. It looks like the kind of place Robert would paint a sad clown in an iron lung. It is bleak.

Chad struggles a bit with the dance moves. In the confessional Robert bravely shares that he’s “not a perfect dancer.” Robert’s attempt at humility are hilarious. Oh, you’re not a PERFECT dancer? That’s how you would describe yourself? Slow down there, Martha Graham.

Dillon does better on his feet and then steals Robert away for some one-on-one time. That leaves Chad to sit alone in a totally empty bar — like not even a bartender in sight — with a pitcher of sangria. Little by little, Chad starts to lose it.

Now, let me stop here, because I am obsessed with Chad. He looks like something Andy Serkis would portray via mo-cap in Fire Island of the Apes. His crazy has been bubbling on a low simmer since the beginning, often erupting in comically grotesque weeping at dramatic moments. It’s finally time for him to snap. He is sitting maybe 15 feet from Dillon and Robert and, in a confessional interview — shot long after the heat of the moment — he says, “god knows what they’re doing over there.” Well, for starters, you could just pivot your head and look, bro? But sure. The worry of what Robert and Dillon are up to sends him into a rage. He storms over to their table and announces he! is! leaving!

Robert follows him into this creepy hallway where there’s this persistent whirring, and it’s one hacksaw away from a scene out of the Saw franchise. It’s almost Ryan Murphy presents Finding Prince Charming, a show that I bet would show a lot more butts and I would much rather be watching.

Things are tense when the guys get back to the house. Dillon is sitting on Brandon’s bed recounting the awkward dance date as well as Chad’s breakdown when Chad bursts in the room in full Joan Crawford crazy mode. Chad demands Dillon get out of his room. Dillon — more of a savvy reality-TV player than a genuine romantic interest for Robert, IMHO — sees an opportunity to rile him up so, despite Brandon’s pleading to GTFO, chooses to make his stand by refusing to leave. The two of them are in the most annoying verbal slap-fight until sensible Brandon is able to convince Dillon to go to sleep.

Finally, at the black tie affair, Chad is ready for his big moment. He storms over to Robert, calls him a player and throws his tie on the ground at Robert’s feet. He’s been cheated on before, and now he thinks everything Robert says is disingenuous. Gurl. Come on. Robert is a player! THIS IS A GAME! Then Chad marches in the house, packs his suitcase and dramatically marches it out of the house through the middle of the black tie affair.

The theatrics don’t stop there. In his confessional interview, Chad first says “I feel like The Twilight Zone” which I’m not even going to bother trying to parse grammatical sense out of. Finally, he ends by trying to apply some grand life lessons to this whole experience: “You gotta look at the good.” Do you, Chad? Do you?

For me, that means looking toward the impending end of Robert’s search for love.

Who do you think is in the lead?

The post It’s A Chad, Chad, Chad, Chad World On ‘Finding Prince Charming’ [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

We’re back after no new episode of Finding Prince Charming last week. I’m assuming it’s because Logo execs assumed all the gays would be busy hate-watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show remake (which I sort of liked, thus revoking any right I have to critique television — sorry!). But we’re back now, and it’s down to these final four Express mannequins come to life looking for love.

Last night we got to meet Robert’s “family,” a term I use very loosely because he was clearly 3-D printed in some sort of Westworld-esque gay future fantasy. West Hollywood World, if you will.

So, which guy got the Sepulveda Family seal of approval? Find out in our recap, below!

The episode starts with the remaining suitors discussing Chad’s dramatic exit. On the one hand, it’s the most relaxed and likable any of these guys have appeared so far. They’re joking and acting like actual human people would interact. But on the other hand, when they’re all in the same room, you really can’t help but notice the teeny, tiny IKEA platform twin beds they’re forced to sleep on. I wonder if that was the producers’ way of keeping the guys from hooking up (and also why Chad had to cruise Eric in the kitchen way back when).

The show takes a dark turn when one of those scary clowns you keep reading about in the news shows up in the house. Oh wait, that’s just Lance Bass in a heinous all-over-print blazer. He tells the guys they have a group date with some of the most important people in Robert’s life. Omigosh, who could it be? His SoulCycle instructor? His colorist (y’all that salt-and-pepper is a little too perfect)? His horse, Black Beauty?

Quick! Everyone get dressed. Dillon, grab that hideous light denim jacket!

Turns out, the most important people in Robert’s life are his family. You know, the only thing he’s talked about this entire series.

The boys show up, and, because this is a gay dating show, it’s brunch. The guys are going to get a chance to chat up Robert’s mother, father and his sister, Jennifer. Mom and Dad don’t do much more than smile politely and nervously eat croissants, but his sister is a different story. Her mere presence inspires such fear in the boys, they can barely keep it together. She’s like Fairuza Balk in The Craft meets Regina George in Mean Girls, and I think I love her.

The guys make their best cases for why they’re the best match for Robert, which basically boil down to two things: he’s hot, and, um, he … has a family? Any time I wonder if there’s more to Robert than what’s made the final edit, scenes like this really put my mind at ease. Justin tries to tell Mr. and Mrs. Sepulveda that he and Robert have a lot in common, because, well, they both have a mother, a father and a sister. Soul mates! Dillon says he and Robert both come from diverse families, whatever that means. (Whether he’s saying because both of their families are non-white or that their families themselves are diverse somehow, it’s just a weird thing to really harp on in this context.) Eric is more direct, just discussing how hot Robert is with his sister-witch.

Jennifer sits Robert down and gives him her first impression. She’s not impressed with Brandon, whom she thinks is “just happy.” What is it with this family that just despises joy, humor and happiness? She thinks Justin might try to be cuter than Robert, which is a problem. She can’t get a good read on Eric, whose name she refuses to even remember, and Dillon is her favorite. She wants to see how the guys interact with Robert. Because what’s sexier than going on a date with your sister?

Brandon and Dillon excel in this setting, but the other two, ho boy. Jennifer immediately cuts Justin down by telling him that she sees Justin as more of a friend. She said that to his face. In front of Robert. It is extremely awkward. This leads to Justin saying “friend-zoned” about 100 times during the rest of the episode. (Friend-zoned is the new canary.) To be fair, she’s probably right. Justin has a bit too much personality and good humor for Robert, and, since his weird speech about Eric being his best friend, I’ve suspected Justin actually has more romantic feelings toward his bestie than our Prince.

Speaking of Eric, things don’t go great for him. He tells Jennifer that he thought Robert was so hot before he even knew he was the Prince. Well, hold on to your hair product, Eric, because you just walked into one of Jennifer’s mind-traps. She asks him if it turned out he wasn’t the Prince, would Eric have pursued him instead? Eric struggles with this, and I can see why. What is the right answer here? Would it be best if his attraction to Robert was so strong and so pure that they fell in love, rules of the game be damned? Or, as Eric claims, is it best to be respectful of the situation and focus on the Prince regardless? The whole interaction felt like that scene in Mean Girls where Regina George tricks Cady into admitting she thinks she’s really pretty. Poor Eric just doesn’t have the wits of a pre-breakdown LiLo to make it out of that unscathed.

Then Robert’s mom screams about loving her gay deaf son and everyone cries and … oh, wait, that was The Family Stone. Another terrible scene wherein a family torments a Dermot Mulroney-looking guy’s potential mate. My mistake.

Anyway, they herd the guys out of there so the family can debrief. Mom thinks Eric is “sweet” and has a lot of “honesty in him,” which is damning with such faint praise, it’s almost a read. Dad says dating Justin would be like “two bulls in the same stall” which is exactly the kind of thing that gets a lot of closeted congressmen into trouble, I think. Brandon and Dillon end up the faves and earn the solo dates.

First up is Dillon’s date, and it’s another nonsense workout date. This time it’s a circus workout, NOT TO BE CONFUSED with the acrobatic yoga (or, as I like to call it, acro-yo) they inexplicably did at some horse stables a few weeks ago. Doesn’t anyone just like jog anymore? They roll on big bouncy balls, swing on a trapeze and spin on aerial silks. It’s so, so boring to watch. Dillon, to his credit, is pretty good at all the exercises, so, if this whole reality star thing doesn’t pan out, he’s got a future in Cirque Du So-Gay somewhere.

Robert’s so impressed with Dillon’s work that he says if the world was ending, he’d want Dillon by his side? Dude, it’s aerial silks, not The Walking Dead. Let’s maybe hold-off before we go packing his and his bug out bags. Also, Dillon pronounces especially like “ekspecially” which would be a nightmare to spend the apocalypse with anyway.

Back at the house, Dillon makes their date sound like it was a tantric workshop. Maybe they just didn’t show us all the ways the guys rubbed their sweaty bodies together the way Dillon describes, but I didn’t find it “ekspecially” sexy, personally.

Brandon’s date is a lot less ridiculous, and, actually romantic. Robert takes him out on a boat. Not to anywhere in particular, just a boat ride, apparently in circles. It allows the guys to just sit and talk. They cuddle and kiss a lot, and it makes Dillon’s date look absolutely miserable by comparison. Robert even gives Brandon a stupid nickname (“little Toot”) which is exactly the sort of super annoying thing a real, basic gay couple would do. It’s the first time it’s felt like there was any real chemistry on this show at all.

Meanwhile, Eric and Justin sit home and wait for the cameras to leave so they can makeout talk about how sad they are to not have a solo date before the black tie affair.

Justin was right to worry. At the affair, he’s the first boy called up and immediately given the chop. It’s hard for me, personally, because I’ve grown to like Justin these last few weeks. However, he looks so much like Frankie Grande that I can’t help but enjoy watching him suffer.

That leaves Eric, Dillon and Brandon left. If I were taking this seriously, I’d say Brandon is in the lead (and if he isn’t picked, I wouldn’t be mad to see him as the Prince next season). Eric has got all the personality of an unlined index card, but damn if I don’t look longingly at his chest hair every time it makes an appearance. (I don’t apologize for my thirst.) And, Dillon, well, he’s got a bad case of the twenty-sixies, if you know what I mean. Maybe he needs to mature a bit, or maybe he’s just so steeped in the “not here to make friends” reality-TV culture that he can’t help being so desperate to win the game, regardless of the prize. (And the less said about the entire plotline devoted to Dillon’s one gray hair this episode, the better. Get a grip, gurl.)

Next week we’re off to Palm Springs, because this show does not have budget for airfare, hennies.

What did you think of this week’s episode?

The post ‘Finding Prince Charming’ Is All In the Family [Recap] appeared first on Towleroad.

We did it, guys! We made it to the end of Robert Sepúlveda Jr.’s search for love among rejected SoulCycle trainers. Well, I did at least. Based on your comments and tweets, none of you guys are still watching this show.

I do hope you tuned in to last night though, because that was one truly bizarre finale. We had “shocking” revelations, traumatic injuries and not only the most awkward date, I’ve ever seen, but probably the most awkward “human” “interaction” committed to film.

Let’s dish about all the twists, turns and Little Toots that went down in Palm Springs in our recap, below!

We start with the usual clichéd nonsense every reality competition finale starts with: Let’s pretend somehow, despite of weeks of evidence to the contrary, all the finalists are neck-and-neck. Robert has feelings for all the guys. The guys all have feelings for Robert. Robert has a small doubt about each guy. Each guy questions if their connection is strongest. The drama! The intrigue! It’s anybody’s game! Don’t touch that dial!

Only problem is there are zero stakes here. At the end of The Bachelor, he proposes. At the end of Finding Prince Charming they … I don’t know, share a MEN.com account? Sign up for a family plan at Crossfit? Combine Boy Butter supplies?

Have we really just been watching a bunch of dudes fight over the chance to sleep with the hottest guy in their immediate vicinity? Because that’s like the whole entire concept behind Grindr, and I can watch that all the time already with significantly less circuit workouts.

There’s not a ton of time to really overthink it, because the guys are busy packing for what might as well be a staycation in Palm Springs. Seriously. They couldn’t even get these guys a LIMO. Their Uber XL (who knows, it may have even been a Uber POOL and they picked up some Brodney or Rik to ride shotgun along the way) shows up, and they pile in.

They arrive at the Hacienda at Warm Sands, and it’s immediately insufferable. Robert has left them all a handwritten note and a tiny sign on which he wrote their completely nonsensical hashtags from the first episode (Eric = #bemyself, Brandon = #happiness, Dillon = #spontaneity, I = #gladthisisalmostover). The guys read the notes aloud, which all include Robert’s usual word salad of empty platitudes about following his heart and the essence of happiness and junk like that.

Of course, it’s only a matter of time before the guys hop in the pool. And that’s when it happens. Gird your loins, ladies, because it’s about to get real.

The guys are just sort of bobbing around in the water like big, gay rubber duckies when Robert drops the bombshell. He tells them they’ve all been honest with him, so now it’s his turn to be honest with them. IS THIS HAPPENING? IS HE REALLY ABOUT TO SPILL IT?

He is! He tells them he was an escort. After weeks of him talking about his traditional values and acting like the least interesting man on Earth (and after the rest of the world already heard about Robert’s past and watched every available nasty video), he comes clean with the guys. Basically. I mean, he doesn’t go into all the gory details (and, gurl, they are GORY), but do you blame him?

I do blame all the other guys, however, for not pushing this further. They hear this news and embrace Robert. They tell him the past is the past. They move on, AND THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN. That’s insane. If that was me, I would have at least a couple of follow-up questions. But nope! This is one incurious group. I am not saying I judge Robert for what he did in the past, but I am saying that I once dated a guy whose ex did porn, and, once I found out, I didn’t sleep for two days until I saw every single video. That’s just me.

Eventually Lance Bass jumps out of the bushes, and all the guys are like “HE FOUND US!”  (Just kidding.) The fourth most talented member of ‘N SYNC (sorry, Joey) explains they’ll be going out this week painting a rainbow sidewalk in Palm Springs. The guys are like “HARD PASS. I’VE GOT TO GO FIND A BUSINESS CENTER SO I CAN FRANTICALLY GOOGLE ROBERT’S RENTBOY PROFILE INSTEAD!” “Sounds fun!”

They paint the sidewalk rainbow, and then they spend some time being super proud of themselves for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Did this sidewalk raise money for something? Did it tell kids it gets better? I’m not exactly sure how the sidewalk contributes to the LGBT community, but I guess we can just chalk it up to “awareness.” Hooray?

While celebrating their good deed, Brandon snaps his Achilles tendon. No, seriously. He holds it together, but it looks bad, y’all. Medical professionals would later tell him it might be a year of recovery.  If that was me, I’d be in full Nancy Kerrigan wailing agony. (Also, it’s a good thing Westboro Baptist Church doesn’t subscribe to Logo, because footage of a gay guy snapping his Achilles tendon while skipping down a rainbow sidewalk alongside the three other guys he’s kind of dating could be pretty compelling video evidence that maybe God does hate gays.)

With Brandon out of commission, Robert asks Eric out on a date. Then he heads to Dillon’s room, where Dillon decides he wants to be the one to be pursued for a change. It’s kind of a weird realization/demand to make when you’re one of several suitors in a competition for one guy’s affection. But, ok, Dillon! Go for it! Robert is honest with him about how their relationship is not as strong as the others, prompting Dillon to pack up his hideous light denim jacket and make his exit on his own terms. If they decide to pick one of these guys to come back as the Prince next year, I would put my money on Dillon to be the guy. (Sorry, Robby fans. He’s great, but he’s also taken. Let it go.)

Honestly, Dillon probably dodged a bullet. Robert and Eric’s dinner date isn’t just awkward or uncomfortable; it’s straight-up dark. It’s like watching two people struggle through an improv 101 class. Here is a word-for-word transcript:

Robert: “Today was interesting.”  

Eric: “It was an interesting day.”

Robert: “Poor Brandon.”

Eric: “Yes, Brandon.”

Robert: “His foot.”

Eric: “His foot.”

Robert: “Here we are.”

Eric: “I’m glad we’re here.”

Robert: “Let’s enjoy a nice dinner together in Palm Springs.”

Eric: “Yes, Palm Springs.”

OK, guys, great agreement, but I think you need to heighten the scene a bit. It’s “yes, and” not just “yes.”

Even Robert, certainly no paragon of personality himself, is like Eric, dude, are you OK? After some prodding, this leads to one of those faux deep convos about how Eric is afraid of being hurt, or whatever. They do a little night swimming/making out when they get back, and I guess it’s fine. They’re obviously attracted to one another, but whether there’s a deeper connection is hard to say considering how shallow they both seem.

Due to Brandon’s injury, his date with Robert is basically just lying in bed together?  It’s like watching that video about the professional cuddler. They’re just lying there, stroking each other’s arms and maintaining direct eye contact like a couple of creeps. Without all the unnecessarily complex gym workout routines, this kind of date at least allows the guys to talk (and do more making out). I think Robert’s kissing with Brandon is slightly less gross than when he kisses Eric, so I’m pulling for him. 

Robert eventually takes Brandon out to dinner. Brandon then gives a very, very articulate, passionate, rom-com climax-worthy speech about loving each other in the everyday moments. It’s the kind of powerful thing you know Robert is always desperately trying to communicate, but he fails to ever come off as authentic or thoughtful as Brandon does here. That is why I don’t think Robert will pick him. Robert wants to be the wise, sensitive one in the relationship.

Cut to preparing for the final Black Tie Affair (and cue the weekly shot of Eric putting a shirt on).  Lance and Robert do their usual chat about the remaining guys, and if there is a sadder sight than Robert weeping on a hideous sofa in the Hacienda at Warm Sands while wearing a tuxedo, I’m not sure I want to see it.

The time comes for them to stand out in this big, tacky grotto for the final Black Tie Affair. After much hemming and hawing and sobbing, Robert decides to send Brandon home. It’s a shame. Brandon is a great guy. Probably the best of the bunch, honestly. He’s adorable, he’s sensitive, he doesn’t take himself too seriously. He’s a little too into “energy” and all that, but it’s kind of charming and overall harmless. He’s a hideous dancer, I couldn’t take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about?

Oh my god! I love Josh Brandon! I’m majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh Brandon!

The worst part about his elimination is that he has to hobble over on his crutches to give Robert his tie back. The tie gimmick is sincerely the best/worst part of this show, and I will be devastated if they don’t bring it back next season. 

That leaves Robert and Eric to prance merrily off to their destiny. I think Finding Prince Charming handled Eric’s story with exceptional grace and dignity. It sends a powerful message against HIV stigma with him winning the whole shebang.

That doesn’t mean I think he’s got a great (or any!) personality. At the end of the day, I think that’s exactly the kind of guy Robert was after all along. You two dummies deserve each other.

What did you think of the finale? Did Robert pick the right guy?

I’ll be back next week with highlights from the reunion and some final thoughts on Finding Prince Charming’s first season.

The post Robert Sepulveda Jr. Reveals Escort Past, Picks Winner On ‘Finding Prince Charming’ Finale: RECAP appeared first on Towleroad.

Boy, it is not easy to mercilessly mock a stupid television show after this week’s news, but I’m going to try.

Thursday night’s reunion episode of Finding Prince Charming that nobody asked for was appropriately titled “All Tied Up.” Forget the ridiculous neckties, I think they named the special for the “live” audience that was obviously held hostage in this awful gay bunker. They couldn’t even give them a cocktail! It was deeply unsettling to see them sitting there all blank-faced. At least give them a plate of truffle fries or something!

The mood in the room ranged from bored to disinterested for the audience, the cast and probably the crew (I think I briefly caught a camera drop as the operator dozed off at one point, pretty sure), making this hour-long rehash of everything we’ve already suffered through once particularly dull.

So, did we learn anything new from this installment of American Homo Story: My Normative Nightmare? In a word, no. Let’s look back on a gay dating show so disappointingly un-queer even VP-elect Mike Pence wouldn’t bother advocating giving it electroshock therapy. (Too soon?) Quick thoughts and recommendations for fixes in our recap below.

The evening begins with all the guys minus Brandon and Eric on some terrible IKEA furniture. A few — Dillon, Sam, Danique — seem ready to relish their extended camera time, but most of them just seem like they’re in a rush to get out of there because Whole Foods is about to close and they’re late for a colonic. Justin, looking only slightly less like Frankie Grande as a brunette, is so checked-out that I think they replaced him with some kind of Madame Tussaud wax figure for most of the show. Charlie — an early cut that would qualify as “husky” by Grindr standards, but is like a fitness model compared to most straight guys — sits so far off to the side of everyone else I was pretty sure he was just an audience member for more than half the special. Jasen wore an ungodly sparkly shirt that was part Christian Audigier, part my mee-maw’s late-1980s wardrobe. Basically, it’s like a high school reunion: Everyone looks the same or worse.

These reality-TV reunions are pretty standardized by now, and, like everything else about Finding Prince Charming, this one is just as formulaic, but without any kind of sizzle. It’s just an endless parade of montage after montage, reminding us just how few memorable moments the series actually produced.

I’m not sure what kind of medical condition Lance Bass has that placed his eyebrow permanently arched in such a smug, self-satisfied position, but I would happily donate to whatever GoFundMe page he sets up to have it surgically corrected.

He intros our first montage as a collection of “throwing shade” clips, proving that none of these guys (or the producers, apparently) know what that phrase means. It’s a snooze. Justin calling someone “thirstier than Tara Reid in rehab” is not even funny! And that’s the best example they’ve got.

The only real new bit of info we learned all night — and it’s only really new if you don’t have an internet connection and haven’t heard it already — is that Sam and Chad hooked up on the first night. Oof. Those two. I’m not sure who is more unstable. First, there’s Chad, whose eerie calm throughout this reunion just reinforces my belief that he is actually more of “danger to society” kind of crazy. It’s only a matter of time before we see him have an Anne Heche-esque meltdown outside a Starbucks in WeHo.

But, Sam. Oh, Sam. He’s reality-TV crazy, which means he spends this reunion screaming and crying at various points. Sam shouts down Dillon about their confrontation, eventually apologizing for spitting in his face. Later, he breaks down in hysterics about how much he made fun of himself before coming out? I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s experience, but come on. He was basically humblebragging about overcoming being victimized by himself. It was like that scene on The Simpsons where Bart suggests he can save the family money by taking up and then quitting smoking. Sam is the personification of a heap of mesh tank-tops someone set on fire and then poured pinot grigio on, and he’s exactly the kind of monster this show desperately needs more of in season two.

When they finally trot out Eric and Brandon, the temperature in the room goes from “tepid” to “slight chill.” Brandon sits as far from Robert as he physically can while crammed on the same tiny SÖDERHAMN couch. Eric and Robert couldn’t look less like a couple. Geez, guys, can you hold hands? Can you put a hand on his knee? I’m not asking you to recreate some of Robert’s best straight-to-video hits, but give us something. Lance asks the question on everybody’s mind: Who cares? Are you guys still together? They give a super wishy-washy answer, though it’s not clear if they’re simply hiding the fact they realized they have nothing in common OR if it’s just hard for them to communicate after using that couples lobotomy Groupon they got as a prize.

And that’s it, I guess. The season ends without a bang. No, seriously, no one banged (at least on camera). What a disappointment!

Fixing Prince Charming

Season two of Finding Prince Charming is coming, whether we like it or not. It won’t ever be the gay dating show we want (which, for me, would include all the suitors dropped on a desolate island with nothing but a satchel full of vodka-soda, PReP and low-carb wraps, and then they’re forced to use Grindr to find one another), but it could be easily improved.

The preface of the show demands a bunch of basic suckers spewing nonsense about finding true love. We’re not going to lose that. That’s OK! The Bachelor, Bachelorette, hell, even Joe Millionaire all dealt in the same parlance of fairytale love. That’s the foundation of these shows. The problem with Finding Prince Charming is that it ended there, and we can do so much better.

Perhaps the show felt a responsibility as the first all-gay dating competition to portray gay men as gingerly as possible. Instead, let’s contrast the fantasy of “Prince Charming” with the reality of gay dating in 2016. We need always-on, Big Brother-esque cameras installed all over the house. The best, juiciest stuff happened when the cameras weren’t even rolling. Lean in to the hook-ups, don’t shy away from them. I want to see every stray bead of jism spilled on that tacky furniture.

Beyond just the scandalous, the show needs to embrace more of the action unrelated to the pursuit of the Prince. One of the most interesting elements of FPC that we barely even glimpsed were the friendships between the suitors. Some of the most powerful, genuine interactions we saw were between friends. I was much more moved by how the other suitors reacted to Eric’s status than I was by that GNC cardboard cut-out shilling protein powder, Robert. These small conversations about coming out, about the Pulse shooting, etc. are what shows like The Bachelor can never, ever recreate. It’s what makes the LGBT community special, and it deserves a lot more airtime than another absurd group fitness class. Let’s make next season part all-gay Bachelor and part all-gay Real World.

Lastly, we need a new host. I’m not sure what it is that keeps Lance Bass in the celebrity sphere, but there are glasses of tap water out there with more charisma. The kind of people that look for love on reality TV are already a self-selecting kind of crowd, so I’m not expecting to ever get a cast that’s creative and witty and, well, charming. However, the right host can inject just the right amount of levity and knowing winks to keep the whole thing from collapsing under the weight of its own simple-minded sincerity. I know there’s an online push to see Robby as the next Prince Charming, but I think that’s terribly misguided. I say we make him host. Or at least let’s get a comedian up there. Certainly Alec Mapa or Kathy Griffin are available.

Would this make Finding Prince Charming must-see TV? Probably not, but it would help us bring a bit more “reality” to the reality show.

How would you like to see Finding Prince Charming change in season two?

The post Once More With No Feeling On ‘Finding Prince Charming’ Reunion [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

It’s hard to say coming out of episode two of Feud: Bette and Joan what exactly we’re supposed to be feeling. For a show with so much to say (and say and say and say) about how Hollywood and society pits two women against each other, it is strange to place the entire message within a series designed to delight in every nasty comment and bitchy moment.

The second installment (“The Other Woman”) doesn’t pack the same wallop as the premiere, and a lot of that has to do with the shifting power dynamics. Feud is at its best when it focuses on titans Bette and Joan using their wit, grit and animosity toward one another to wage a deeply personal war that says more about artistry versus celebrity than it does women’s lib. Where it starts to lose its zing is when it plays out the societal forces working against the women of the time. It’s not that those elements didn’t heavily influence this story, it’s just Ryan Murphy comments about women in Hollywood with all the nuance of a Bernie bro tweeting about International Women’s Day.

The persistent proselytizing makes these powerful women pawns, which surely was true to an extent, but it seems endlessly at odds with the glee with which we’re supposed to devour their devilish behavior.

“The writing doesn’t begin to capture the way women get under each other’s skin,” we heard Joan critiquing Aldrich’s Baby Jane script in last night’s episode. When it comes to the ways women wage war against one another, it seems Feud wants to relish in the how, but can’t quite nail the why.

Which brings us to “The Other Woman,” an episode that folds in so many real and imagined threats between its women, it’s basically a phyllo dough of “Bad Blood.” (Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of The Great British Baking Show.)

Let’s put on our best feathered hats and recount what went down in last night’s episode.

There’s a new actress on set, and she’s that “sexy neighbor girl” alluded to in the premiere. In case the jealousy wasn’t already palpable, she introduces herself to Joan with “Miss Crawford, can I please have your autograph? It’s for my grandmother — she’s loved you since she was a kid!”

Resisting the urge to slap her on the spot for that read, Joan sidles up to director Bob Aldrich and demands she gets fired. For now, Bob likes to think this isn’t a Feudocracy, it’s a Feudtatorship, and he’s not bowing to Crawford just yet. So, she enlists the aid of her co-star, Bette, baiting her with the threat that once Aldrich sleeps with the young ingenue, she’ll suddenly start stealing more and more scenes. That’s enough to get Bette to threaten to walk off set. Bob can’t say no to their united front, and the neighbor girl is shown the door.

Of course, this show isn’t called RuPaul’s Best Friend Race: Bette and Joan (though we would totally watch that). So, after promising to release the film to more theaters, Jack Warner convinces Bob to stoke the rivalry between his leading ladies so the film maintains its buzz.

If anyone knows about feeding the fury between Bette and Joan, it’s Warner. He signed Crawford on at a deep discount and used her to try to control Bette back in the day. He offered Joan all of Bette’s scraps, including the Oscar-winning role in Mildred Pierce, sewing the seeds of the rivalry we’re seeing playing out now.

Bob shares his discomfort with this whole situation to his wife, Harriet. She’s heard her own fair share of gossip about Bob’s “other woman” (get it? GET IT?!), and, even though he says it’s all bullshit, she reminds him “It hurts just the same, and you should consider that before you spread gossip of your own.”

Unfortunately, Bob’s between a rock and a hard place. Not unlike the hard place on Joan’s chest, which he describes to gossip columnist Hedda Hopper in great detail, telling her Davis is annoyed with Joan’s falsies. He even tells her Bette is worried about falling on them in the beach scene and chipping a tooth.

When Joan reads this in Hedda’s column, she’s obviously furious. Despite Bette’s denial that she spoke ill to Hedda, Crawford still phones a rival columnist to talk smack about Bette on the record. Their temporary truce is officially over, and there might not be much of Hollywood left standing once they’re through.

The mudslinging in the papers is only one part of the equation. Bob also needs to further their resentment by making them jealous of the other’s relationship with him. He meets Bette on a Saturday to work on the iconic “I’m Writing A Letter To Daddy” performance. We see a softer side of Davis here, unsure if her bold take on Baby Jane is brilliantly twisted or a misguided joke. Aldrich assures her what she’s doing is Oscar worthy, and the two share an intimate moment choreographing the scene.

Even without TMZ and social media, word still travels fast about their little rendezvous, and it’s enough for Joan to feel mighty threatened. She phones Aldrich in the middle of the night, cooking up a story about her lover, Peter, leaving her because she’s too focused on the film. He rushes over, and she attempts to sleep with him (like they did on their last film together). He’s not having it. He tells her he’s not sleeping with Davis, and her whole charade comes crashing down when Peter returns unexpectedly. He didn’t leave her; he was heading out of town but a road got washed out. Aldrich excuses himself from this drama, leaving a furious Crawford to send Peter packing for real.

She won’t be lonely for long, because Hedda arrives the next day, and she’s irate that Joan ran to a rival columnist with her Davis dirt. It seems Hedda played a heavy hand in getting Joan back on the map when her career was faltering. Joan masterfully redirects her rage, playing to Hedda’s heart. She confesses that she’s broke, and she needs Hedda’s help to make sure this picture earns her an Oscar (and another few years of work).

As Joan secures a powerful ally, Bette is having a harder time coping. Besides being a little unsure of herself when it comes to her character, she’s also feeling adrift as an aging actress. First, she meets her love interest for the film, and he’s not the dashing leading man she may have hoped for. (She’s paired with heavyset homosexual, Victor Buono. He becomes much more important in future episodes.) What really sends her over the edge though is seeing her daughter B.D. flirt with all the boys in the crew.

When mother and daughter get home, B.D. lays into Bette with the kind of blunt-force dialogue that could spoil a whole scene if Sarandon didn’t sell the punches so well. B.D. viciously rips into her mother about not aging gracefully or accepting that her time to shine was over, not just as an actress, but as a woman.

The exchange leaves Davis seriously shook. It leads to yet another late-night call to Aldrich, and the director speeds over. He assures her she’s doing excellent work, and the two share a really tender evening openly discussing their fears and insecurities. Yes, it ends in sex, but it’s not manipulative, like Joan would do. It feels sincere.

That doesn’t make it any easier to swallow when Aldrich creeps into bed just before his alarm goes off to start another day. His wife stares blankly ahead with her back turned to him, likely imagining which other woman will come calling next.

Best Barbs:

“Forget the little daily gifts, Lucille, I’m going to be much too busy working to shop for anything in return.” — Bette Davis

“Don’t fool yourself, even you’re not man enough to satisfy two women.”  — Harriet to Bob Aldrich

“What’s your name sweetheart?” “Sylvia.” “F*ck off, Sylvia.” — Bette Davis expertly dispatching a reporter waiting outside the studio.

“There’s so much ham up there I’m going to have to go my rabbi this afternoon and atone.”  — Jack Warner watching Baby Jane dailies.

“Ms. Davis looks old enough to be my mother. One look at her face and you’d think she hasn’t had a happy day or night in her life.” — Joan Crawford on-the-record with the gossip rags.

“You don’t like it because you can’t wear one anymore.” — B.D. theorizing why Bette can’t stand the song “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini.”

Round 2 goes to: Joan Crawford, again. She played Aldrich, she played Davis, she played Hedda. Bette is no slouch, but I’m not sure she realizes the extent of Joan’s cunning just yet. Ms. Crawford may be winning these manipulative battles, but Davis’ tenacity and talent could be enough to win the war.

What did you think of last night’s episode of Feud?

The post Gossip Girls and The Men Who Love To See Them Hate Each Other On ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’ [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

Well, that’s a wrap! Not on all of the premiere season of Feud: Bette and Joan, but at least on the filming of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? We’re just three episodes in, and Bette’s and Joan’s days together on set are done, but their rivalry is far from over.

Last night’s episode, “Mommie Dearest,” shined a spotlight on the two Hollywood titans’ relationships with their children, as well as their relationships with their own mothers. The result was a much deeper understanding of what made these ladies tick and the insecurities that fueled the titular feud.

We were mercifully spared the diversion of Olivia de Havilland and Joan Blondell interviews to distract from the main narrative tonight, underscoring the fact that, while Hollywood sexism played a role in this battle, these two complex women were more than just victims of their time.

If you were hoping the episode title meant we’d get a glimpse of the unhinged “No wire hangers!” Crawford famously portrayed by Faye Dunaway, you’re missing the point. Even though Feud showcases Bette’s and Joan’s antics with savage glee, this is meant to be a much more nuanced, kinder portrayal of both women. Last night’s episode managed to pull it off.

We dish about all that went down in our recap below. After all, fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo.

We begin with the children. BD is showing Joan’s kids how to smoke. No, it’s not CHRISTINA! or Christopher, but the twins Joan adopted in 1947. Joan, ever vigilant, catches them in the act, and the twins scurry away. (CHRISTINA! does get some acknowledgement when Mamacita suggests Joan send her a card and flowers for an upcoming performance. Joan initially refuses, but when the twins are out of earshot, she relents, signing the card “Christina Darling, I’m so Proud! Love, Mommie Dearest”)

While Joan’s minding the children, Bette is chatting with Bob about their little rendezvous in last week’s episode. She wants to be clear that, although it was a good time, it cannot happen again, and he agrees. While they’re chatting, Bette jokingly floats the idea that BD could play the neighbor girl, since she and Joan had run off the last one. Bob thinks it’s a great idea, and maybe getting a taste of her mother’s world could help BD and Bette’s relationship.

When Joan goes to confront Bette about BD and the girls smoking, Ms. Davis initially thinks she’s about to lay into her about her daughter playing the neighbor girl. She apologizes to Joan for BD acting inappropriately and invites Joan out for drinks.

The sight of Bette and Joan casually sipping on cocktails and puffing on their cigarettes together in the booth is lovely, even if their conversation takes a dark turn fast. Joan reveals her mother treated her terribly, sending her to school at a convent after she allegedly learned of 11-year-old Lucille sleeping with her second husband. Even Bette Davis is shocked. Moved by Joan’s honesty, Bette tells her, even if they don’t become friends, she wants to support her.

You’d think a moment like that would bring the women closer, and it does … for a moment. Joan is even reconsidering slamming Bette in Hedda’s column. Instead of feeding Hedda’s gossip about Bette’s body odor, she plants a story about Bette supporting her by removing herself from lead actress contention.

Of course, once Bette hears this, the short-lived truce is officially off. Instead, it’s all-out war. Bette takes every opportunity to undermine Joan’s confidence on set. Joan takes a more physical approach, ruining take after take of a scene in which Jane carries a lifeless Blanche across the room, forcing Bette to exert herself multiple times. As a cherry on top, Joan even wears a weighted belt. Hey, Bette’s got to get those reps in somehow. Bette gets a bit of revenge with that swift kick to the head we’ve seen in all the series’ promos.

Bette’s having better luck getting along with her other co-star, Victor Buono. She admires his work and invites him over to run lines. They share a great conversation wherein Bette proudly asserts “All the queens love me … The truth is I only really knew I’d made it once the female impersonators started doing me in their acts.” She briefly speaks to him about her other daughter, Margot, that’s living in a special school because she is severely brain damaged. Bette and Victor strike up an almost mother-son relationship, which comes into play a bit later.

Victor is cruising outside a gay theater. A young hunk mistakes him for Charles Laughton. (I can see the resemblance.) While Victor uses this as a chance to, um, get a taste of the young talent, the theater is raided by police. He uses his phone call to ring Bette, of course, and she comes running to get him out of the bind. She explains he’s merely researching for a role in a big Hollywood picture, and, since she is Bette freaking Davis, the cops obviously believe her.

She’s not having as much luck bonding with BD. It’s clear that Bette’s talent hasn’t rubbed off on her daughter (and, boy, if “terrible actress” isn’t the role Kiernan Shipka was born to play, I don’t know what is). Bette is obviously uncomfortable with BD’s performance, requesting she be credited as BD Merrill. When Hedda comes to confront Bette about how her daughter “stinks on ice,” Bette corrects her: “She doesn’t ruin the picture, her role isn’t important enough to do that.” Of course, BD overhears. In the end, BD apologizes for not doing better, and Bette does her best to comfort her with genuine praise (“You looked beautiful, and you spoke clearly. You hit your marks, you didn’t look into the lens once, not once.”) without coddling.

Back at Crawford’s house, the twins are off at camp, and Joan is feeling the pangs of her nest being empty once again. Unfortunately, when she tries to adopt another child, the agency tells her she’s too old. Can’t women over 40 do anything in this town?

The final scene of Baby Jane is filmed on a beach, and Joan is at peak bad behavior. She shows up late and drunk (actions she’ll later attribute to Davis in her retelling to Hedda), and she insists on pulling her face tighter and tighter until she looks decades younger. Just to rub sand in her obvious wounds, she overhears Bob remark how Bette looks so much younger just because of her fantastic performance.

All Joan’s fussing was for nothing. Once Jack Warner sees the dailies, he doesn’t buy Joan looking so fresh on her deathbed. He demands a reshoot, which Bob manages to recreate using a sandbox in the studio.

With their final scene shot, Bette and Joan walk out of their respective dressing rooms, exchange knowing glances — maybe even some mutual respect — before heading toward opposite exits.

But not before Bette ashes her cigarette in Joan’s Pepsi machine, just for good measure.

Best Barbs:

“We’ll see how her reviews are, and then we’ll think about sending flowers.” – Joan Crawford on CHRISTINA!’s upcoming performance.

“They’re like two well-trained pomeranians.” — Bette Davis on Joan’s twins.

“Christ, I didn’t even get a tingle ’til I was 25, and then I waited another two years before I did the deed, and that was on my goddamn honeymoon.” — Bette Davis reacting to Joan losing her virginity at 11.

“I’m sure his Falstaff is the talk of Tijuana.” — Bette Davis’ initial thoughts on Victor Buono.

“Where’s your wheelchair … because you’re going to need it after I break your goddamn legs.” — Bette Davis reacting to Joan suggesting she take herself out of the running for the Lead Actress Oscar.

“It was Gloria Swanson who was robbed in 1950, not youuuuuu, bitch!” — Joan Crawford with the line of the night.

“If I were the director i’d tell you to do it again and again until it was convincing.” — Bette Davis undermining Joan’s confidence on set.

“That face, right into camera. This really is a horror picture.” — Joan Crawford watching Bette work.

“All those years of alcohol abuse have exacted a terrible price.” — Joan Crawford to Hedda.

“I’m not falling on those. I don’t do stunts.” — Bette Davis on Joan’s falsies.

“If crawford couldn’t ruin the picture, no one could.” — Bette Davis comforting BD.

Round 3 goes to: Bette Davis. Maybe we’re biased, but the gays-loving Davis is battling it out with a touch more class than Joan. Crawford’s getting messy, while Bette is always razor sharp.

What was your favorite scene from last night’s episode of Feud?

The post A Deeper Look At ‘Mommie Dearest’ On ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’ – RECAP appeared first on Towleroad.

Last night’s Feud: Bette and Joan, “And the Winner is … ,” may have focused on the infamous 1963 Oscars, but they should really be thinking about the Emmy Awards. This was Ryan Murphy and company at their most refined, and the result was a gut punch of an episode that brought out the best in everyone involved.

Even if you already know the story of what went down on that fateful night, Feud crafted a stirring journey culminating in the Hollywood atomic bomb that created a point of no return between Davis and Crawford. It’s the kind of plot development so wildly insane that, had it not been well-documented history, I might’ve blamed Murphy for being typically over-indulgent. Instead, it’s the perfect subject for him to really sink his teeth into.

As Joan’s guttural scream indicated last week, Bette Davis received her Best Actress nomination, and Joan was shutout of the Oscar noms. That doesn’t mean she’s skipping the ceremony. Not by a longshot.

First, she marches down to the Academy to, ahem, “offer” (read: demand they use) her services as a presenter, but only for Best Picture or Best Director. She also issues her list of requirements, including hair, makeup, a driver and a chauffeur. You know, just the basics. They don’t usually provide all that for presenters, but Joan is truly done taking no for an answer now.

Beyoncé says “the best revenge is your paper,” but Joan and Hedda have something more dubious in mind. They conspire to call Academy members to sway the vote away from Bette.

But denying Davis the prize both women so desperately wanted isn’t nearly enough, they want to humiliate her.

That’s where things get truly wild. Hedda suggests Joan convinces the other nominated actresses to allow her to accept the award on their behalf. That way, not only will Davis be devastated, she’ll get to watch Joan rub salt all in the wounds.

It’s desperate and despicable, but, at the same time, the show doesn’t portray Crawford strictly as a diabolical villainess. Otherwise, why would the other nominees go along with it? It’s Joan’s broken spirit that’s driven her to this savagery, and their collusion is less about spiting Davis than it is standing strong against Hollywood’s treatment of Joan.

Joan phones Geraldine Page (nominated for her role in Tennessee Williams’ Sweet Bird of Youth) at home. It’s not like she was expecting a call from Joan effin’ Crawford, so she’s obviously taken aback. Joan expertly starts by building up all the preparations that go into getting Oscars-ready: the jewels, the dress, etc. Then she starts to lay the salespitch on thick: When she couldn’t receive her award, they delivered to her personally and it was much more “intimate.”

Geraldine is no fool. Joan’s aching can be felt across the country through the phone line, and Gerry agrees to let Joan accept if she wins. Sarah Paulson, making almost too short of an appearance, sells the scene expertly, as usual. She masterfully takes Page from shock to shook to sold in her conversation with Joan.

Crawford takes a much more hands-on approach to recruiting Anne Bancroft into the scheme. Joan pops over to New York where Bancroft is performing and surprises the star backstage. Anne doesn’t need to be a Miracle Worker to uncover what Joan’s up to, and she outright offers Crawford the chance to accept her award if she wins. Again, it feels so much less about Bette, and more about a younger generation wanting to support and encourage women in a way that just wasn’t possible with older actress pitted against one another by the studios, press and public. But, sometimes the most dastardly deeds begin with the noblest of intentions.

We spend much more time trailing Joan’s preparations for the big night, but Davis isn’t exactly sitting on her hands. She rings Olivia de Havilland (Catherine Zeta-Jones, finally playing a more relevant part in Feud than those silly documentary interviews peppered in) and invites her to the ceremony. Olivia is no stranger to a good feud. The papers savored every cold shoulder and bitchy comment between her and her younger sister Joan Fontaine. Arriving with a woman of Olivia’s stature illustrates Bette isn’t the bitch she’s made out to be, and she’s going to need all the support she can get.

Davis is already nervous about the night. She could potentially make history as the first woman to win three Academy Awards, but, more importantly, a win would signal that she’s still a force to reckoned with in Hollywood. She looks over her two previous statues and explains to Olivia that one has its gold rubbed off from too much cuddling. For all Bette’s grandstanding about how its about the work, not the accolades, it’s obvious this recognition is still important to her.

On the big day, Joan hires a glam squad that would make Erika Jayne jealous. They deck her out in all silver — silver gown, silver jewels and a fabulous silver-dusted coif. Even if she wasn’t presenting, hell, even if she didn’t take the stage, she’d steal the show. As she gets ready to depart, her friend (and gay director) George Cukor attempts to talk Joan out of her plan. He knows the immediate gratification of sticking it to Davis won’t be worth the backlash, but Joan has hit rock bottom and there’s no turning back.

She arrives at the ceremony in a whirlwind. Her people commandeer the green room and set up a full cocktail party. It’s impossible to avoid. When Bette discovers them, just as Joan had hoped, they share an epic staredown before Joan is beckoned to the stage to present the award for Best Director. We follow her as she escorts the winner backstage via a gorgeous single-take tour from one side of the stage to the other where Bette is waiting for her category to be called.

Joan positions herself behind her, ready to pounce. She puffs on a cigarette as Davis stares dead ahead. The winner is announced, and it’s … Anne Bancroft!

Bette already has the wind knocked out of her, but then Joan comes from behind to snag the trophy, and you can almost see Bette’s face crumble. It’s impossible not to feel the second-hand heartache when Susan Sarandon doubles over.

Crawford, meanwhile, is drinking it all in. She accepts the statue, sure, but she also poses with all the winners and luxuriates in the moment like she’s a real winner. She even takes the trophy home, places on the bedside beside her own and, for a moment, she’s got two Oscars — just like Bette.

As she sits on her bed, she hangs her head, because even in victory, she knows she’s still defeated.

Best Barbs:
“Define snub.” — Bette Davis responding to reporters’ questions about Joan not getting an Oscars nod

“You can watch from the comfort of your New York one-bedroom.” — Joan to Geraldine Page

“She needs it .. and, besides, Hollywood should be forced to look at what they’ve done to her.” — Geraldine Page on Joan Crawford accepting her award

“I just had to pop back and tell you what an astonishing performance you gave tonight, and to a half empty house, that really is dedication.” — Joan to Anne Bancroft

“Do not speak, just work.” — Mamacita to Joan’s glam squad

“These are not both for me. This one is mine, and this one is to throw in Crawford’s face the next time I see her.” — Bette Davis double-fisting after her Oscars loss

Round 5 goes to: Joan Crawford. It’s too early to tell who wins the war, but this battle was surely a squashmatch. There’s no denying her quest to destroy Davis was wildly successful, but at what cost?

What did you think of last night’s Feud?

The post ‘Feud’ Serves Up Award-Worthy Drama with 1963 Oscars Gut Punch: RECAP appeared first on Towleroad.

After last week’s epic Oscars episode, you’d think the last two people to ever work together again would be Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. However, months have gone by, and neither Bette nor Joan have been able to truly capitalize on Baby Jane’s success. “If you think it’s twilight for us,” Warner warns Bob Aldrich, “it’s midnight for them!”

That desperation is part of what drives Crawford and Davis back together for another picture. That should make for some deliciously devilish TV, but this week’s installment, “Hagsploitation,” is a bit of a letdown. Feud is at its best when the spotlight shines on the titular characters coming to blows. This episode had a lot of sideplot to sludge through en route to the actresses’ reunion on the set of What Ever Happened to Cousin Charlotte?.

For starters, Joan is in the thick of her promotional touring supporting her latest psycho-biddy flick, Strait-Jacket. It’s a campy slasher with Crawford portraying an ax-wielding murderess. The screenings feature director William Castle (expertly portrayed by gay icon John Waters) introducing Crawford as she enters from the back of the theatre swinging an ax. The young crowd eats it up, hooting, hollering and tossing popcorn at the screen legend.

The exhausting travel and humiliating exhibitions are just the start to Joan’s troubles. An ailing Hedda Hopper comes to visit, and she’s got news. She had a heart attack recently, and it’s had her look back on her legacy. She’s not ashamed of all the gossip-mongering she’s done. Quite the opposite, actually. She’s proud to have shut down all the queers, reds, dope-fiends, whores and others. Speaking of the morally bereft, she’s heard rumor that someone has been trying to sell an old “blue” movie she made way back in the day. Hedda thinks this could be her last big scoop, and she offers Joan the chance to control the narrative. Crawford wants to get ahead of the story, but not like this.

Instead, she goes to confront her brother. She offers him a bit cash to ask him not to share the tape, but she can only offer a fraction of what the gossip rags are willing to pay.

Joan needs another payday, and she’s not the only one. Jack Warner is worried the culture is passing him by, so he calls in Bob Aldrich. Luckily, Aldrich has a script that’s sure to capitalize on the hagsploitation trend Baby Jane started (and Warner claims he named). It’s an unpublished short story by the same author as Baby Jane. Warner, of course, demands Davis and Crawford reunite, and we’re back to square one.

Aldrich meets with Joan and Bette separately, and they’re obviously skeptical. But they’re also not in a position to be that picky. Davis negotiates creative control, while Crawford’s demands include top billing and advanced payment. She needs that money to payoff her brother. She manages to catch him literally right before he’s about to be wheeled into surgery. Their short confrontation shades a lot of Joan’s backstory, how she was the runt that wasn’t wanted, how she brought her ailing mother to Hollywood when she was dying, but wouldn’t let her eat with the children. Feud wants us to know that hurt runs deep in Joan, and just after her brother has served his narrative purpose, he dies in surgery.

Without that extortion hanging over her head, she doesn’t need the money from the film with Davis so desperately. But for Joan, it’s not about the money. If she’s not working she might as well be dead, too.

Now that Aldrich has Davis and Crawford on board, there’s one more piece of business to take care of. Warner is ready to toast their future success, but Aldrich drops a little bomb on him that actually he’s bringing the picture to a rival studio where he’s treated with a little more respect. Warner won’t have Aldrich to push around anymore.

Don’t think this means Bob is done being walked all over just yet. Ahead of the first table read for Charlotte, Joan offers a very Joan sort of apology, complete with a box of matches to symbolically burn the past behind them. Bette is unmoved, but she tells Joan that it is in both of their interests if they unite on this project in one voice, “preferably mine.”

Their truce is short lived. After haranguing Aldrich about script changes, a photographer shows up at the reading (clearly coordinated by Crawford) and Davis storms out. Aldrich is having no luck with the women in his life, it seems, as his wife tells him she’s leaving him the night before he leaves to shoot in Baton Rouge.

He breaks down one night on set, and Bette comforts him, offering to be “alone together.” After all, she’s made it through four divorces herself.

When Joan arrives down south, she’s shocked there’s no car waiting for her at the airport. It takes hours for her to get to the hotel, where she learns there’s a problem with her reservation. Enter Bette, all smiles and congeniality with staff and crew. She helps Joan with the reservation and skips off with her champagne.

Joan finally arrives in her less than glamorous room and calls Aldrich. In the background she can hear Davis laughing and living it up.

Best Barbs:
“Be careful going up the stairs, you’re blotto!” — Mamacita to Joan

“Is she crossing the desert on foot?” — Hedda wondering why Joan needs so much time to prep for her tour

“If you think it’s twilight for us, it’s midnight for them!” — Jack Warner on Bette and Joan

“I wouldn’t piss on Crawford if she were on fire!” — Bette Davis

“I mean, really, is that a face America wants in its living room at dinner time? I don’t think so.” — Joan Crawford

“I came here to get my balls back. Do you hear ‘em clanking?” — Bob Aldrich

“Can I use them to set you on fire?” — Davis reacting to her gift from Joan

“Brando isn’t begging for a recurring role on Wagon Train either.” — Crawford

Round 6 goes to: Bette Davis. The episode might have been a showcase for Jessica Lange’s incredible work as Joan Crawford, but it seems that Davis handles the indignities of Hollywood a lot more gracefully than the rigid Crawford. She already seems to have the set of Charlotte under her thumb (and most folks will recall how that all shakes out).

What did you think of last night’s episode?

The post Bette and Joan Go Another Desperate Round on ‘Feud’ – RECAP appeared first on Towleroad.

Before we even get to the island, we get a whirlwind checkin with the boys back in the city. Khasan is 5-6-7-8ing in some anonymous dance studio. Justin is Facetiming, ugh, Cheyenne about running late (as usual). Jorge is describing his roommates to what I think is some kind of gay wizard.

We spend the most time pre-island with Brandon, sitting outside talking on the phone to a friend(? his mom?) about Jallen. Brandon is wearing head-to-toe beige, which feels very on-brand for all of his generic Brandonness. Also, I guess now we’re calling Jallen “Jay-lynn,” even though I’m almost positive we were calling him “Jellen” (rhymes with Ellen) last week. Most importantly, the main takeaway is Jallen is still very, very tall.

They arrive on the island and want to immediately start drinking, which I would too if I was staring down the prospect of sharing 48 hours with Cheyenne. Justin volunteers to load everyone’s luggage into a wheelbarrow and take it back to the house while the other boys go to “tea” (which is just gay for happy hour on Fire Island). If you’re thinking Justin is going to almost immediately complain about volunteering to do this task, you’re right! He greets Patrick back at the house by telling him he just had to lug 14 bags up to the house by himself. Gurl.

At tea, Brandon tries to warn Cheyenne that he hurt Patrick’s fee-fees by skipping out on his drag show, but, not surprisingly, Cheyenne is unmoved. His logic and reasoning behind missing Patrick’s pageant is so profound and beautiful, I have no choice but to quote it in full:

“At the end of the day, business over drag shows — unless drag shows is your business — is always going to take precedent.”

Ugh, if only that could fit on a novelty tanktop.

Besides slamming back vodka sodas like the world is ending, the boys’ other priority at tea is to invite everyone they run into to their upcoming houseparty. It’s a strange twist considering the last three episodes have focused on how mad everyone gets when Patrick invites literally the whole island to their house, but here they are doing the exact same thing. Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You’re wearing my black muscle tee. (OK, not my best work.)

After tea, Justin escorts the housemates to his buddies’ place for a beer and pizza party. Justin explains that these friends know all his neuroses, and starts to outline them like a living Tinder bio. I’ve heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but Justin wears his heart, mind, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders diagnosis, blood type, Social Security number, hopes, dreams and fears on his sleeve.

The sleeve is a metaphor, of course. This is Fire Island, there’s not an actual sleeve in sight.

The real drama unfolds as Patrick fires backhanded comments at Cheyenne about being a flake and not caring about anyone but himself. While accurate, it does feel a little aggressive. It’s fun to watch Cheyenne squirm, though.

Back at the house, Cheyenne is complaining about the whole situation to Brandon in the kitchen when Patrick swoops in to grab his purse. That’s when they really get into it. Patrick’s point is that Cheyenne says he’s going to be somewhere, then doesn’t show up AND neglects to even text the most haphazard “sorry, work thing!” message. What Cheyenne hears though is that he shouldn’t take a “$30,000” job so he can go to a drag show, which is not the point at all. That’s like, I don’t know, just hypothetically, if a Presidential election was directly influenced by outside interference from a foreign power, and the current President’s primary concern is who told the press about it.

Alright, so it’s not a perfect parallel, but you get the point. This is a very straightforward, reasonable request from Patrick (and previously Justin), and Cheyenne is completely oblivious to their feelings. His inability to even remotely understand Patrick’s perspective makes him look like a total sociopath. Their fight ends in a sort of no-contest, with Patrick making a dramatic (and fabulous) exit with his green purse. He’s going to need that storage for all his smug self-satisfaction.

The next day, Justin has his next emotional moment about wearing his first Speedo. Justin. I get it! A lot of (most? all?) gay guys have some kind of body hangup. But you look great! Better than like 85 percent of most straight guys. Justin is “fat” like Scarlett Johansson is “curvy.” Stop relying on the body-ody-ody dysmorphia!

It’s almost party time, and Patrick is passive-aggressively mixing punch. You know Patrick is industry, because only a professional bartender could pour Svedka with such disdain. All the men arrive to their weird 8 p.m. pool party, including Jallen. He just sort of trails little Brandon like Hodor dutifully following — OH MY GOD ANOTHER BRANDON — Brandon Stark.

Brandon is feeling a little fussy being tied down to the friendly giant. After all, they did only meet one week ago, and Brandon is out here to feel his oats. He skips merrily along the party flirting with other guys, while Jallen mopes around the pool. The housemates all try to cheer him up by telling him that maybe he and Brandon aren’t on the same page. Very comforting stuff. Very cool of Justin to totally throw Brandon under a bus for this guy they’ve known for a week. Granted, he’s only known Brandon for like two more weeks than that, but you know the saying: Brodors before Hodors.

I guess the party wasnt from 8 p.m. until QUESTION MARK, because it certainly seems to end definitively in time to hit the bars. Jorge runs into — *guttural scream* — BRANDON (with the wing tattoo) outside. Brandon (now with wings!) clarifies that he and Patrick were never actually dating, and Jorge is scandalized! I mean, considering Jorge is in an eight-year long-distance relationship that includes mistresses, this feels like a pretty straightforward relationship dynamic to comprehend. Still, Jorge is shook.

The guys all stumble home 3 a.m. after a night of hard drinking. Jorge and Patrick have a pow-wow on the steps to the house bathed in some of the worst lighting I’ve ever seen on television, including season one of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Seriously, Jorge’s beard somehow looks Cabbage Patch doll yellow blonde. It’s hard to watch. Jorge tells Patrick about what Winged Brandon had to say, and Patrick isn’t surprised. Patrick never made a big deal out his thing with Winged Brandon; the housemates did.

Elsewhere in the night, Justin runs naked into the ocean because carpe diem, #YOLO, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, and other aphorisms he read on a Pinterest board. Khasan — easily the most charming, sane, intelligent castmember I’m definitely in love with — meets Justin down by the water. Justin then opens up with his sincerely very touching story about illness and suicide and reclaiming his life. It’s all very moving, but also it’s all very extra. Justin appears to live his life like it’s one big, emotional Grey’s Anatomy monologue. It’s exhausting just watching the edited version. I can’t imagine how draining it must be to have to be there with him in that moment.

All of those moments. So many moments. Too many moments, Justin.

Then there’s Brandon and Jallen. B’s trying to sort of break it off with Jallen, but he clearly still wants to climb that bean pole, so he’s telling Jallen in the least certain terms that he’s not here to fall in love, but he’s open to it and wants things to unfold organically. Confused yet? It basically boils down to Brandon wanting to be able to bang any dude he wants on the island, but also wanting to fee-fi-fo-f*ck Jallen whenever the mood strikes him. He wants to have his cakes and eat them too.

The next morning (or more likely early afternoon), the guys are huddled in the kitchen. Brandon tells them he laid it all out there for Jallen, but as he recounts the specifics of the story, it becomes more and more obvious he did nothing of the sort. Oh, Brandon, you dumb baby.

The guys make it out to the pool, and Brandon is essentially nestled in the lining of some guy’s swimtrunks when in comes Patrick with Jallen in tow. Pat and Jallen sit awkwardly apart from the group, and Justin goes in on Brandon. He prefaces his admonishment by warning Brandon that he’s going to “mom” him, like mom is a verb.

He’s coming from a good place trying to warn Brandon that being a hot little 20-something and not caring about anyone else’s feelings will only get you so far. But, then again, Brandon can see Cheyenne going on $30,000 Instagram photoshoots and doing just fine, so I’m not really sure the lesson is going to sink in.

We’ll see next week if Brandon is a changed man-boy, but judging by the preview, it doesn’t seem that way. Simmering tensions are going to boil over between several of the guys, and I’m just holding out for someone, anyone to yell “THIS IS NOT ‘BEST FRIEND ISLAND.'” Is that too much to ask?

What did you think of the episode?

The post Giants, Drama and Giant Drama on Logo’s ‘Fire Island’ [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

Sort of like how Brandon told himself he wouldn’t fall in love on Fire Island, I told myself I wouldn’t get truly emotionally invested in these walking meatsacks of Ariana Grande CD singles. However, last night’s episode of Fire Island actually made me feel for all these guys.

Yes, even Cheyenne.

I came into the episode bloodthirsty for a big blowout between the boys. Once their conflict fizzled out before anyone tossed a drink or a table or a prosthetic leg, I was practically booing the screen from my couch. Then they announced a bunch of parents were coming, and I started writing Logo, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos a strongly worded letter about properly representing a summer of gay men in jockstraps chugging vodka-sodas and humping uncontrollably.

But, by the end of the episode, I was wiping away a single tear.

How did this happen? Let’s discuss.

Brandon got an early start to the weekend at the house. Like any tiny babygay fresh from the dorms, he obviously trashed the place.

Khasan, Jorge and Cheyenne were skipping the ferry for a ride on Jorge’s friends’ yacht, and, again, I need ask: What even is Jorge’s life? He’s part Ricky Martin, part Animal the Muppet, part Cosmo Kramer, and I don’t understand how he lives every single day. He met the yacht owners, Captain and Tennille, after they found his lost dog, Luca. And now I guess he has access to yacht rides? Sure. (I wonder what he had to lose to get those five Escalades the night he partied with Khasan.)

They get to the house and are all in a tizzy over the mess. Brandon tosses off a little “Whatever, mom!” attitude before they all head to dinner in Cherry Grove.

Elsewhere on the island, Patrick and Jallen are discussing the Brandon situation. Jallen discloses that he gets feelings really fast (we know, girl), and he was initially raised Mormon. All the good ones are gay or Mormon or both, it seems.

Patrick then brings Jallen to the group dinner, which is horribly uncomfortable for everyone. Brandon is done with Jallen, but as we all saw last week, he “broke it off” with him in the most vague and confusing way possible. I don’t blame Jallen for hanging around.

Justin arrives complaining, of course. He missed his stop and his ferry and also did you know he’s wearing a Speedo now? It’s a very big deal for him! His parents are coming this weekend, but, more importantly, his mom is going to see him in a Speedo! Speedo?! Speedo!

Since Justin’s parents are coming and Khasan’s mom is coming, the guys agree they need to be on their best behavior this weekend. Keep the house clean, keep out the riff-raff (PATRICK), etc.

This presents the perfect opportunity for Cheyenne to make it about himself for a minute and toss out a passive-aggressive barb about how they should live every week like it’s shark parents week, and keep the place in order, regardless.

Patrick — the Lisa Rinna of this bunch, both in personality and kind of aesthetically — calls Cheyenne out immediately. Own it, Cheyenne! What are you referring to, specifically? Own it!

Then Cheyenne runs through a litany of grievances ranging from Justin’s Speedo (Speedo!) on the counter to Brandon’s discarded banana peels. Brandon gives a half-assed apology, and Cheyenne insists that they can apologize until they’re blue in the face, but they need to take action. Cheyenne clearly fails to see how this is almost the exact same thing Patrick was telling him last week, because he lacks almost any self-awareness whatsoever.

Patrick interjects to make it about him for a minute, reminding Cheyenne that he cleaned his room after Cheyenne left the house last weekend.

Just as things finally seemed to be coming to a head, Jorge starts gently weeping. If he could make it all about him for a minute … Everyone needs to carpe diem, climb every mountain, 525,600 minutes, I hope you dance, etc. because it’s almost two days until his Dad’s birthday or the anniversary of his death, or maybe today is his birthday and the anniversary of his death was two days ago? Whatever it was, it is truly very troubling to Jorge, and it’s sincerely sad, and I am not going to make fun of him about it.

Jorge and Khasan take a short walk to calm down. The reality check shakes the other guys out of their trivial spat, and they all rally around Jorge. We learn that Jorge had a challenging relationship with his father, especially around his coming out, but he was also Jorge’s best friend. Again, it’s genuinely sad, and I feel like I want to reach through the screen give Jorge a hug myself.

The next morning, Justin’s parents arrive on the island, and they are the cutest little old, Italian couple. I want to talk about how Justin’s dad replies to Jorge’s offer for a drink by saying he’ll take “whatever stiff thing you have” and NO ONE takes the opportunity to make the very obvious joke, or how he wore an all-pink ensemble to the beach in silent support of all the gays, or how the way he said “muchos gracias” to Jorge and insisted he reminded him exactly of Javier Bardem was just casually racist enough to be a charming dad thing, BUT I can’t bring myself to make jokes about him. Some post-episode text reveals that he passed away after filming the episode.

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

While at the beach, Justin explains to his mom that a specific group of gay guys is called a “gaggle of gays” like that’s actually a thing or clever or anything worth repeating at all while she chows down on a comically large hoagie. Patrick’s hot friend Alex is also with the group, even though Patrick is nowhere in sight. Cheyenne is shocked, SHOCKED, that this cute boy is from Los Angeles, but somehow, some way, he doesn’t know Cheyenne already. Does Cheyenne actually think every gay boy in Los Angeles is as obsessed with him as he is with himself?

Speaking of Patrick, he arrives again with Jallen in toe. Sure, maybe Patrick is reality TV-savvy enough to know bringing Jallen around will attract the camera’s attention, but also they do seem like actual friends, so it might not be as malicious as it seems to the other guys

More importantly, Jallen’s in a Speedo (Speedos: They’re not just for Justin!), and he is one fine, tall drink of Mormon juice. (Milk? Is Mormon juice just milk? I think it’s milk.) He’s got a sort of Michael Phelps build. They both have bodies like Na’vi from Avatar, just like all lanky limbs and elongated torsos.

Anyway, Jallen hilariously tries to sexily saunter over, like some Mr. Fantastic/Mae West hybrid. He’s swinging a badminton racket, which he inevitably drops, and it’s like who among us hasn’t been there, trying to look all flirty and fun only to end up looking like a complete doofus on national television? It only makes him more endearing, really.

Brandon can’t bear the idea of any tension, so suggests he and Jorge go do an impromptu photoshoot, and it’s very cool and casual and not at all obvious that they’re just walking away to talk smack.

Patrick, of course, is having none of it. He puts Brandon on blast, leading Jorge to excuse himself and Jallen away so Brandon and Patrick can hash out their differences.

Brandon invokes Winged Brandon (literally we need to always have at least two Brandons in play on this show), saying what Patrick is doing is the same thing he was mad the roommates did to him with Winged Brandon. Patrick (correctly) points out that, no, it’s certainly not. He clearly told the roommates he wasn’t serious with Winged Brandon, and they just refused to believe it. Then they bombarded W. Brandon with blush and bashful linen samples for the wedding they were sure Patty and W. B. were bound to have.

Brandon, on the other hand, BARELY told Jallen they weren’t seeing each other anymore. No wonder Patrick missed the memo. Brandon sits Jallen down again and adds some degree of clarity to their relationship. But then he messes the whole thing up by ending the talk by saying “Further down the line, we can see what happens.” Set him free, Brandon! Please spare this poor Mormon boy!

That night, Justin’s parents prepare a full Italian meal for the guys while the show plays some cheesy, royalty-free version of “Tarantella Napoletana” that sounds like they ripped it off a Nokia cell phone in 2001.

Khasan’s mother arrives, and she’s every bit as beautiful and charming and radiant as he is. (Plus she arrives with a drink in hand. My kind of gal.) She has a passing interaction with Justin’s folks before they head back to the ferry.

Khasan’s mom sits with the housemates by the pool and recounts the difficult circumstances around her and Khasan’s life growing up in Compton. She was caught in a crossfire as a teen and shot in the neck. She had Khasan at 16. Khasan’s dad wasn’t around growing up and was later murdered in a robbery. No wonder Khasan is so grounded, he’s been through more trauma than most characters on a Shonda Rhimes drama.

The next morning, Khasan’s mom meets his boyfriend, Jason, for the first time. It’s adorable to see her embrace him, but also obviously trying to get a read on him. Oh, moms.

Their interactions stir up feelings for Cheyenne. He video chats his boyfriend Kyle and explains that all this talk about parents is bringing up a lot of his own past. Cheyenne’s dad wasn’t around much, and his late mother was an alcoholic. He lacked a lot of stability in his youth, having moved 17 times. Cheyenne demonstrates some fleeting glimpses of self-awareness when it comes to how his childhood experience manifests in how he handles himself as an adult. I’m not saying this all justifies Cheyenne’s mostly gross behavior, but it does explain some of it.

At some point Jason and Khasan’s mom exit, leaving the guys to snuggle in a pile on the beach and reflect on their relationships. Cheyenne even apologizes (sort of) to Patrick. Yes, it’s sort of ham-fisted and cheesy and the complete opposite of what I want my reality shows to be, (this isn’t ABC Family, henny!), but after such an emotional episode I kind of needed it.

What did you think of the episode?

The post ‘Fire Island’ Got Me Feeling Emotions [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

Just like the all the good gay bars and the best poppers, season one of Fire Island is gone, and all we have now are the memories.

Also like those alkyl nitrite-fueled nights, when it’s over, I have the worst headache.

We join the boys in the throes of last week’s fight. Cheyenne is mad Patrick brought a guest that once flirted with his ex-boyfriend. His current boyfriend, Kyle, is just sitting there wearing all flesh-toned clothes and weirdly fleshy-colored hair and flesh-colored flesh, and, honestly, he’s just an upsetting person to look at. Patrick is outside consoling his guest, “actor” Chris Salvatore, who is scream-weeping like someone just told him they canceled RuPaul’s Drag Race.

(Speaking of being upsetting to look at, doesn’t future Cheyenne look like he’s wearing a Chris Salvatore wig in that weird testimonial?)

As has become rote with this show, this conflict doesn’t really build to a boil as much as everyone just sort of dissipates throughout the house like so much Creatine in water.

The next morning, Saint Khasan and Justin sit in the living room discussing how Jorge didn’t come home last night. The producers cut to an old-school Real World-style night vision camera showing Jorge hooking up with a guy, and, hold up. Are you telling me there are night cams in all these rooms, and we are just now, in the final episode, using it? How do we not have footage of Cheyenne’s indiscretion? Beautiful Khasan thrusting into his boyfriend? Brandon scaling Jallen like some sort of enchanted bean stalk?!

Before I can even finish tweeting at Mark Consuelos and Kelly Ripa about how to properly produce a reality show, Jorge rolls in. And, look, I’m not saying Jorge was on cocaine, but if cocaine was a person, it would be Jorge in this scene.

Justin wants so badly to be the fun one that he made every single person in the house (even Chris Salvatore) a T-shirt with his boyfriend’s face on it. This is apparently a “prank.” I’m no James Kimmel, but I’m not sure that’s how pranks work. Whatever, his bf shows up, everyone “pranks” him, and it’s cute enough, I guess. Justin says something about being glad his man is there so he doesn’t have to spoon a pile of T-shirts, but we all know he meant Japanese sex pillow, right?

Cheyenne has the brilliant idea to teach an unsolicited workout class on the beach for all the guys. Is there anything I’d like to do less on vacation than go to a free workout class taught by Cheyenne? (Yes, there is: An original country song open mic.) But, Cheyenne’s butt does look particularly good in his Lulugayman (TM Bobby Hankinson) workout wear.

Patrick shows up to the workout in some Party City Mrs. Roper wig, and it’s like, Patrick, stop it. You did drag, you did your (ho boy) original country song open mic. You don’t get to do characters now. This is not Fire Island Thinks It’s Got Talent.

Later, (I guess? this episode is edited very strangely), Khasan and Jorge retire to the veranda to chug Whispering Angel (which might as well be the seventh castmember). Khasan tells him he’s moving to New York! Also, surprise, here’s Fabio!

That’s right, Jorge’s boyfriend surprises him with a visit. Fabio tells him he didn’t hook up with any boys in Ibiza (what are these people’s lives?!), but it gets awkward when Fabio turns it around like “¿Y tú?” Jorge is honest about his many mistresses, and Fabio seems fine with it. Especially after all the heteronormative nonsense on Finding Prince Charming, I’m glad to see a non-traditional queer relationship portrayed positively, but this was a weird scene to watch. I don’t think Jorge and Fabio owe viewers a detailed explanation about the intricacies of their relationship, but without that context, it’s hard to follow what I’m supposed to be feeling.

So now the house is at max capacity with all the guys, Cheyenne’s bf Kyle, Justin’s boyfriend Austin, Jorge’s man Fabio, Chris Salvatore and several other randos not worthy of a chyron. Patrick is wearing potentially his shortest shorts of the series (so short, in fact, at one point Justin has to point out that his penis is hanging out the bottom) and scraps of denim wrapped around his arms and legs like some kind of gay Wonder Woman nightmare. Patrick pulls a classic reality-TV move and announces to a packed living room that he wants to steal Brandon aside for a private convo.

They lay in bed together talking trash about Cheyenne. You know what’s more disgusting than wearing shorts so short your actual penis hangs out? Laying in someone else’s bed while wearing your shoes, PATRICK. That’s how you get pubic sand fleas!

The crux of Patrick’s argument is since Cheyenne constantly (and accurately) calls Brandon a whore so much, they should confront him about how he cheated on his boyfriend with Patrick’s hot friend Alex. It’s their moral responsibility to confront him about it in front of his boyfriend and television cameras!

If that sounds convoluted, that’s because it is! Even though Fire Island technically isn’t a reality competition show, Patrick has been scheming to win all season. I’ve never seen someone so expertly tick every reality show box. He even dropped a single during the course of the show’s first season. That’s impressive! He knows how easy it is to rile up Cheyenne, and he’s made a sport of putting himself in the center of Cheyenne’s drama for weeks. Usually, Patrick seems level-headed compared to grunting, huffing Cheyenne. This time though, his logic feels flimsy. Even Brandon knows better than to stir this up.

Cheyenne takes the bait and confronts Patrick and Brandon in the bedroom. That’s where Patrick lays it all out, trying to pin most of the impetus on Brandon. Now, Brandon doesn’t deny the allegation exactly, but he’s trying his best to keep his contributions to a minimum. Patrick, meanwhile, keeps couching this in altruism, but even Cheyenne easily sidesteps this argument. If Patrick was so concerned about Cheyenne’s immortal soul or whatever, he would’ve talked to him directly, not have a slumber party kiki with Brandon with your dirty sneakers all up in his shee-ee-eets.

Where Cheyenne goes wrong is marching back into the living room and loudly complaining about what just happened, inadvertently outing himself for cheating on Kyle. In a testimonial, Justin says something about how Patrick violated an oath they took “as housemmates, as brothers,” and it’s like, whoa, did you guys all kill a prostitute or something? But it also sort of confirms the story.

As quickly as Cheyenne tries to blow past the details of the accusation, his boyfriend, Kyle (who up until this point was just like a grunting, hulking, gay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain), starts piecing this together. The more he starts to wonder where Patrick got the idea he cheated on him, the more frustrated Cheyenne gets. And the more frustrated Cheyenne gets, the more he accidentally spills. Cheyenne’s story is he made friends with Alex, and then he wanted to go to sleep, so he brought his new friend Alex back to his house to sleep beside him in a locked room? Even Kyle is like, “Me no understand.”

Hilariously, Cheyenne and Kyle take the convo to the bedroom still wearing their microphones. Cheyenne thinks he’s got a trump card: He’ll just call Alex so he can confirm they definitely didn’t sleep together, to which Kyle replies, “How do you have his number?” Touché.

By the next morning, again, all the drama has simmered down (or the Whispering Angel has worked its way through the boys’ livers). They all go to Pines Fest to see Betty Who perform to a routine choreographed by Khasan. It’s lovely to see Betty Who, an A+ pop star who is also, apparently, a towering giant, but Fire Island really wants us to worry if this performance of Khasan’s choreo will go well. I mean, I wish nothing but the best for Khasan, but I also know that he is flawless, so I’m not concerned his choreo will be anything less than perfect. Surprise: It’s great.

I guess the spirit of the music moved everyone, because they’re all friends again. (Also, Brandon makes out with Chris Salvatore, and no one addresses it.) They sit around the house talking about how much this experience changed them while Patrick eats pie with his bare hands wearing a Speedo with two cans of whipped cream jammed into the leg holes.

Just when I was thinking Patrick really nailed this whole being on TV thing, he leaves us with the most inane aphorisms. First, he reflects on his summer: “I thought I had all the answers, but in the end, I realized I just have even more questions.” Dude, you are GROWN. That is some 21-year-old, navel-gazing nonsense, if I’ve ever heard it. You should be embarrassed to say that about your own life.

Then, regarding his relationship with Cheyenne, Patrick opines: “You know what they say, ‘If you’re gonna put a bunch of sparks in a house, you better expect some fireworks, baby.’” Do they say that? Does literally anyone say that? It doesn’t even make sense! If you fill a house with sparks, you should expect it to burn down.

Then, just like that, a gang of rogue Brandons descends upon the house and sets the whole thing ablaze. We fade out on the Fire Island house engulfed in flames.

Just kidding, but could you imagine?

Anyway, you know I love rankings, so let’s end this by ranking the guys from least to most insufferable.

1. Khasan: Khasan is a beautiful, perfect angel who made it through this whole ordeal without embarrassing himself even once. He never seemed unhinged or wasted or desperate, but he also wasn’t boring or a school marm or flying under the radar. He managed to have a (wonderful, handsome) presence in so many scenes, without ever making a scene, you know?

2. Brandon: Yes, Brandon is a tiny, stupid baby, and, yes, he did string Jallen along, but considering his youth, he seems like he’s got a pretty good head on his shoulders. He definitely had the most fun all summer without descending into sloppy, which is far better than I could have managed at his age.

3. Justin: Justin is adorable, and I’m sure he is very sweet, but he is a lot. He is aggressively emotional in a way that makes me uncomfortable. He’s got so many emotions, and he has the need to talk about them at length, no matter how interesting they may or may not be. If I was his roommate, I’d have to sit him down and explain that I came to Fire Island to drink rosé and get railed, not to have family dinners and talk about our feelings.

4. Jorge: Jorge seems like one of those guys that’s fun until he’s not. He’s a loose cannon. One minute he could be having all-night sex parties with mistresses, and the next he’s screaming at strangers about taking their dicks out by the pool. He’s excited for an underwear party, or he’s crying about his dead dad. He’s showing up at 4 a.m. in Venezuela with a fleet of Escalades, or he’s screaming at you about ruining dinner at home.

5. Patrick: Patrick is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but if you can get past all the glitter and skrank tops and his penis literally hanging out of his bikini, I still find him charming. He’s unapologetically ridiculous, and it all feels very authentic and sincere. He definitely came into this with an agenda, and I think it was mostly a success. However, he’s got a thing where he needs to be the center of attention, which is great for TV, but not so great if I’m trying to suss out who I’d most like to spend a weekend with.

6. Cheyenne: The worst.

7. All the guys who only saw a promo for this show and feel the need to spend weeks anonymously complaining on the internet about how anyone could watch this trash. I see you.

What did you think of season one of Fire Island?

The post Farewell To ‘Fire Island’ [Finale RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

I have no problem admitting that RuPaul’s Drag Race is my favorite show. New episodes are the highlight of my week, I watch each one at least four times, I discuss it endlessly with friends (and strangers) and I even stream old seasons to pass the time.

And yet even I think this season has felt too long.

Fourteen queens is a lot, especially when it was weighed down with so many ladies that fizzled out in such disappointing fashion. It would’ve at least felt like a tighter race without Jaymes, Kimora, Charlie, Farrah and Cynthia Lee Fontaine in the mix at all. Plus, we had a premiere where no one went home AND an episode where Eureka’s injury spared both Farrah and Cynthia Lee Fontaine at a time when a double-elimination would have been justified.

All this is to say that last night’s twist felt like we were still dragging deadweight across the finish line. If ever there was a season where the queens desperately needed to be shaken out of complacency, it’s this one. I mean, we had a lip sync where a queen did. not. move. AND a sync where the queen didn’t know the words! Come on. Season nine does not deserve Ru’s mercy, mama.

Nor did the queens’ performances really feel like they warranted a final four in the finale, honestly.

Last night’s challenge was the typical multi-part season-closer. In lieu of the beloved (and dearly missed) Tic-Tac luncheon, the gals joined Michelle and Ru on their podcast What’s the Tee? They also recorded a “rap” verse to one of Ru’s songs and learned complex choreo to accompany the track on the runway. It’s the same basic gamut Alaska, Detox and Katya slayed on All Stars 2 (the less said about Roxxxy Andrews’ skills on the mic, the better).

In typical reality-TV fashion, this penultimate episode is crafted to make us believe any one of these queens could win. Peppermint and Shea were naturals in the studio and in the dance rehearsal, while Trinity and Sasha struggled with both, but everyone pulls it off fine on the runway. Each queen gets to share a difficult personal struggle on the podcast, and they all got another teary moment on the runway when giving advice to their younger selves.

Shea seemed like an obvious lock. Peppermint could’ve been sent home for shining less brightly than her three competitors throughout the competition. Sasha or Trinity could’ve justifiably sashayed away for just not knocking tonight out of the park. But, instead, Ru spared everyone and now we have a top four. Yay? I could sincerely see any one of these ladies snatch the crown, but the same could be said about Katya, Latrice, BenDeLaCreme and Detox. Part of what makes the show exciting is that there is a scarcity of success. You can’t just give everyone a crown. This isn’t the end of Mean Girls.

Still, it’s Ru’s world, Ru’s rules, so a top four it is. Let’s see where our gals stand in our rankings below.

1. I’ve had Shea pegged as a top contender since day one, and she’s barely stumbled since. Her one appearance in the bottom two felt arbitrary, and last night was particularly solid evidence of her claim to the crown. She’s got looks, she’s got moves, she’s got attitude. An upset isn’t out of the question, but no one else has delivered excellence as consistently this season. (Though what was up with the chest on that final runway look? It was mesmerizing for all the wrong reasons.)

2. It’s Sasha by a nose in the number two spot. If you countered this is Trinity’s slot, I wouldn’t fight you on it, but I still think Sasha did something more interesting with the challenge this week, even if it wasn’t as polished as Shea or dynamic as Peppermint. As usual, she put her signature Sasha flavor to things, and it was fun to watch. It’s not the kind of thing I’d stream on Spotify (mostly because I listen almost exclusively to Carly Rae Jepsen, and that’s my business!), but she had a vision that she executed pretty successfully.

3. During last night’s judges’ pow-wow Michelle basically said what I said last week: Trinity is better than she even realizes. I am aware of my own bias against pageant queens, but Trinity has charmed me all season. Plus, I like that she’s maintained a real, naked competitive spirit. (Alexis Michelle’s dedication to the sisterhood became grating once she bared her fangs as soon as she was feeling the heat.) Trinity isn’t as fun as Alyssa, but she isn’t as sloppy as Alyssa could be either. Her last runway look was her best all season, and I was truly gagged.

4. Objectively, Peppermint is the least deserving of the win. She just hasn’t managed to conquer the given challenges the way Shea and Sasha have. But! There’s an undeniable likability and presence to Peppermint that makes it hard to deny her the title of “superstar.” She’s given us the only good lip syncs this season, and her rap was killer. It was a bold move saving that last dress for tonight, because it was the best thing she brought with her. Pep’s a proven commodity, so it’d be unwise to count her out. However, a win here feels like it undermines the show’s ability to reveal the next drag superstar. If you can still win over queens that defeated you at nearly every challenge, what’s the point of any of this?

How would you rank the remaining queens?

The post Find Out Who’s Heading Into the Finale On ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race [RECAP] appeared first on Towleroad.

They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, so the good news is eventually some of last night’s tragically poor performances will get more funny.

As it were, though, the majority of our remaining queens struggled to wring laughs from the dearly departed Lady Bunny as they delivered a Ru … ology? Ru … loogey .. Ru-who-logy! to Ru’s best friend. It’s a dark spin on the typical roast challenge, and (the still very much alive) Lady Bunny would be laying in state in a casket on stage.

The queens all needed a laugh after last week’s shocking elimination. Manila really uses the space for her grief, wandering around the workroom sobbing like she’s Catherine on the moors in Wuthering Heights.

Manila’s desire to save her friend alienated her from the rest of the group. Monet vowed to send Manila home if given the chance.

Once all the queens got to work, Manila and Monet seemed to really take off, while everyone else struggles. Ru’s visit only made the weak links more apparent. Valentina and Trinity both whiffed their roast during their season, and that failure hangs heavy over both their heads. Trinity appeared to channel that anxiety into overthinking her material, while Valentina came off utterly lost.

The queens weren’t alone. Each queen gets some time with SNL comedy KWEEN Cecily Strong. Ironically, the stronger queens got much more value out of their time with Strong. Maybe it was because they had actual material to workshop, but Valentina, Trinity and Naomi all seemed to leave the session the same or worse than they arrived.

When the time comes for the roast itself, the only surprises were the under-performers failing to meet already low expectations. Monet slays the opening, as expected (Sample joke: “We are here to celebrate the life, legacy and illiteracy of Lady Bunny”). Trinity gurgled out a string of statements that are maybe 60 percent of the way to being an actual joke. Monique delivered a Southern-style preacher character, but her one-note jokes all blended together into one sort-of-funny din. Naomi attempted a millennial spin on her weak, old-age jokes, but it felt like nothing hit. I don’t even know how to describe what Valentina did, but I will say it straddled the line between utter, abject failure and almost Kaufman-esque comedic brilliance. People were laughing, yes, just not how she likely intended. Lastly, Manila closed the show stupendously, from her memorable entrance (she brought a big, black umbrella/veil prop from which she peeked and then recoiled at the sight of Bunny) to her opening line (“Dearly beloved … AND MICHELLE VISAGE!”), Manila delivered a thoroughly professional performance.

The runway called for the queens to show up in their Angelic Whites, and everyone delivered. (More detailed takes in our rankings, below.) Monet in particular was this week’s standout, storming the runway in a beaded ensemble with dramatic train, papal headpiece and bright red, glowing eyes. It was a showstopper.

Manila and Monet were rightfully chosen as the top two, which left everyone else vulnerable to elimination. Backstage, it became quickly apparent that the queens’ report cards aren’t an easy, objective barometer to pick the weakest competitor. It’s not like each queen is awarded actual, quantifiable points. Does winning a challenge outweigh never being in the bottom? What about lip sync wins? The four bottoms’ records all sort of even out.

Monet and Manila performed one of Drag Race‘s most joyous lip syncs to Aretha Franklin’s underrated bop, “Jump To It.” It was a collaborative, campy, comedic number, and it’s a joy to watch.

Ru (again, rightfully) names both queens winner, splitting the cash tip $5,000 a piece. There’s a momentary panic that two queens would be sent home, but Ru eased everyone’s mind by instead no one was sent home. Instead, she ominously warns that All Stars rules are suspended.

Back in the workroom, a cryptic message from Ru heralded the return of the Lip Sync For Your Life, and a surprise appearance from Lady Bunny reintroduced the — *gasps in faux shock* — return of the eliminated queens.

What happens next? I guess we’ll find out next week!

We should probably stop pretending the return of the eliminated queens is even a shocker anymore. We all know it’s coming. I wonder if future seasons of All Stars would be better served by some kind of “Redemption Island” or “Last Chance Kitchen” style mechanic transparently built into the game from the jump.

My guess is next week will see an eliminated queen return and TWO other queens sent home. Of the eliminated queens, Latrice is the only viable option for a return.

Until then, let’s assess the remaining queens’ current standings. This season continues to be an incredibly tight race, and I could see a valid argument for almost any order of success. We’re splitting hairs, but we’ve put together our rankings for which queens seem the most likely to earn that spot in the hall of fame below. Disagree? Leave yours in the comments.

1. Ross said it best: Now is a good time to build momentum, and Manila Luzon is doing just that. This was another incredibly strong performance from her in the challenge. While Monet may have had more jokes, Manila’s gags felt more varied and overall more successful. She had physical humor, reads, wordplay and her delivery was spot on. I wasn’t as crazy for her runway as the judges were (the cherubs felt cheap), but her hair and makeup were gorgeous.

2. Under normal circumstances, Monique would have likely been safe this week. Out of the bottom four, she was easily the best of the bunch, and I was gaga for that headpiece. Monique does very dramatic, severe makeup which in this instance made sure her face was just as impactful as the elaborate headpiece on the runway. More than almost any other competitor (Monet may be the exception), Monique has demonstrated impressive growth in the short time between her season and now. That makes her a winner, regardless.

3. As some readers have noted, I’ve been a bit hard on Monet the last few weeks. I’ve been waiting for Monet to give us a MOMENT, and tonight was just that. Yes, she deftly handled the opening slot of the roast with her signature stand-up delivery, but it was that jaw-dropping runway lewk that really sealed the deal. That’s how you do an All Stars runway, honey. I was gagged, gooped, slimed, dead. I stan. I’ve gone from Monet skeptic to Monet cheerleader, and I hope this week’s performance gives her the confidence boost to fight for a spot at the end.

4. Did Trinity always have that shrieking opossum laugh? I don’t recall hearing it in her season, but now I’m hearing it in my sleep. Again, not to just copy-paste Ross’ comments, but I also am on the edge of my seat ahead of her runway appearances. With her Snatch Game win under her belt and the roast challenge behind us, hopefully Trin’s biggest challenges are behind her. She may have roasted slightly less credibly than Naomi, but they were both rough. While Naomi had solid jokes conceptually that just weren’t funny, Trinity struggled to craft material that even followed its own logic. Her stunning runway likely would have spared her from a bottom two position under normal circumstances, but she had reason to be nervous.

5. Ouch, Naomi, that looked rough. It’s one thing to bomb when you know you’re unprepared or out of your element, but there’s something particularly difficult about bombing when you think your material is great and you can’t in the moment figure out what’s going wrong. Beneath the nervous giggles and smiles, you could sense the panic surging through Naomi once it became clear this was not going well. The sight of her angelic, white, Prince-inspired runway nearly sent me to heaven to meet the Purple One myself. I died. I lived. It was a series best. Naomi is the only competitor we haven’t seen lip sync this season, so there is a chance she could come into the finale Sasha Velour style and blow us all away.

6. I guess this is just the part of any season with Valentina where we realize that this is just all we’re going to get. She’s beautiful, she’s fashion, she’s strange, she’s unintentionally hilarious, but we’ve seen all she has. She’s a unique little gem of a queen, but there’s only so much there. It’s not quite that she didn’t understand this week’s assignment, but, honestly, I’m not sure she understands funerals, roasts, public speaking or interacting with human beings. It was so far off the mark that it almost circled fully back to being extremely entertaining. On the runway, she always delivers, but sometimes I worry she confuses “expensive” with “exciting.”

How would you rank the queens?

The post Tops and Bottoms: ‘All Stars’ Roasting On An Open Fire [RECAP and RANKINGS] appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

Long before he was Queer Eye‘s grooming guru, Jonathan Van Ness was making us cackle with his ultra-sassy ‘Gay of Thrones’ recaps of HBO’s Game of Thrones, complete with celebrity guests and hair care.

Van Ness just announced he’ll be back on April 16 with a new season.

The post Jonathan Van Ness Bringing Back His Hilarious ‘Gay of Thrones’ Recap Show: WATCH appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

There’s this concept in comedy called “punching down,” and it typically applies to making a joke at the expense of someone who is less successful/privileged/etc. than the performer. It’s not quite what Ra’Jah is doing up top on this week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it feels every bit as gross to see.

Technically, I guess it would be considered punching up, since Ra’Jah has been struggling for most of this competition. She opens the episode saltier than a biggie order of fries, resisting reading Scarlet’s fairly innocuous mirror message. Then she begins, as Vanjie describes, “reading the dogsh*t” out of Scarlet in front of all the girls. (She also calls herself a “lip sync assassin,” which does not feel earned at all.) In interview, Ra’Jah directs her shade over Plastique, Nina and Shuga.

The thirst, my friends. The THIRST.

Well, if you’re thirsty, I hope you like milk, because this week’s mini-challenge is all about jugs. Tatas. Boobies. The ladies are stuffing their brassieres with tig ol’ bitties for a Great American Potato Sack Race. The slow-motion race was one of Drag Race‘s silliest mini-challenges, but, you know what? Sometimes drag is just drag. Not everything needs to be a MENSA exam. Shuga and Nina are named the winners, but it hardly matters. They get a cash prize, but no advantage in the challenge.

This week, the ladies are tasked with creating a New York Fashion Week-worthy ensemble using unconventional materials straight from the farm.

There’s a ton of filler in the workroom prep. Shuga eats supplies. Vanjie gets Yvie’s input since she knows she’ll be brutally honest. However, the real meat of the episode is all about Plastique. After weeks of the judges asking for more personality, Ru is able coax the story from Plastique. The young queen confesses to Ru that she’s from a very strict, conservative family, and she has spent so much time hiding her true self.

Ru launches into a lot of her typical affirmations, but as Plastique breaks down, a really tender moment unfolds. Ru drops the mentor/host schtick, and instead grips Plastique in an embrace. She tells her this is her home now, and she’s her mama. Nearby, Nina and Yvie both get emotional. It’s one of the show’s most evocative moments.

So many of us (too many) know the mental and emotional burden of hiding ourselves away from an unforgiving family. It will go down in Drag Race herstory as one of the series’ most powerful moments. It’s a good reminder that while we all play armchair judge each week and nitpick the ways the show could be better, it has been instrumental in elevating queer stories — particularly stories from queer people of color — into the mainstream. It’s moments like this that make me all the more appreciative of its impact.

It also makes me all the more sour on Ra’Jah. She’s sitting off to the side wondering if this is all a ploy. It looks desperate. It looks mean. It is not cute.

Besides Plastique’s emotional moment, there’s not much else happening in the workroom. Yvie and Silky clash over their responses to Ru asking who should go home. Silky picks Yvie, because she’s injured (and, let’s be honest, because she don’t like her). Yvie picks Silky because she doesn’t take the judges’ critiques. (Also, she don’t like her.)

Before hitting the runway, the ladies get a runway coaching from the legendary Alyssa Edwards. It’s a fun chance to spend some time with one of the ultimate fan favorites, but not much story develops here. The only real takeaway is seeing Plastique interact with her drag mother, Alyssa. It’s fun!

On the main stage, the evening kicks off with a country-fried group line dance. Yvie, still recovering from her injury, steals the show as a fiddler on a hay bale while the other dance.

Ru dismisses Silky, Vanjie and Shuga as safe. The judges loved Yvie’s gorgeous, glamorous getup that gave us autumn in Oahu. Similarly, Brooke Lynn’s chambray and candied orange draped dress was sickening. (She didn’t deliver enough personality in the line dance, though.) Plastique was a standout on the runway with her red, showgirl-inspired piece, and she oozed personality in the dance.

Of course Ra’Jah lands in the bottom. Her burlap pants are literally coming apart at the seems, her bark headpiece stinks and she disappeared in the performance. An organic dye mishap led to A’Keria having a last-minute rework of her runway, and it costs her with the judges. They find the look boring, and they’re right. Nina lands in the bottom due to her continued struggle with proportion.

Nina’s commitment to the dance performance luckily spares the campy queen, leaving A’Keria and, ugh, Ra’Jah to lip sync in the bottom two to Sheena Easton’s “Strut.”

It’s a mid-tempo number that doesn’t lend itself to a gangbusters performance, but A’keria makes a lot of smart choices to jazz up her lip sync. Ra’Jah is mostly meh, but once she loses her wig, it’s clear it’s her time.

Ru sends Ra’Jah off, while A’Keria lives to slay another day.

Heading into Snatch Game next week, where do we stand? Check out our rankings below, and leave yours in the comments!

1. Despite missing the win this week, Brooke is still ahead of the pack. Even Ross couldn’t help but acknowledge her frontrunner status. Her dress this week was incredible. It would win a Project Runway challenge, and she sold it like no other. If she crushes next week, nothing will stand in her way.
2. Love her or hate her, Yvie ain’t going anywhere soon. Yes, she’s spooky, but she’s also a razor-sharp designer. That fiery grass skirt tonight was stunning, and she picked the perfect hair and makeup to complement. Obviously, she’s brought a lot of DIY fashion, a lot of small-town glamour (sorry, Denver), so I wonder if eventually some of the other queens with bigger wardrobes (and bigger budgets) may outshine her in the end.
3. Plastique came surging back this week. She’s already rocked an acting challenge and a design challenge, plus she can death drop and shablam with the best of them. This episode revolved around her with Ru, with Alyssa and with her win. The skills are there if she can call upon them at the right times.
4. I am still rooting for Vanjie. No matter how these challenges shake out, no matter how the rankings land, Vanjie is a star. Like Shangela, she doesn’t need the win. If she can add some variety to her runway presentation, she could stay a while. However, more than anyone else remaining, I am the most worried about her Snatch Game. We’ll see!
5. Yes, A’Keria had some missteps this week, but, man, I am a fan. I want to attribute the lacking runway lewk to the dye mishap, but she still did her best to sell the garment. Then, during the lip sync, she really made lemons out of lemonade against a lackluster opponent to a middling track. (No offense, Sheena.) Considering some of A’Keria’s best, she has the potential to go much further still.
6. I have loved Silky from the jump, and I still do, but I’m worried about her resistance to pushing herself outside what she considers her drag. I’m with Yvie, she needs to listen to the judges and push herself. The runway wasn’t great. It was fine. It was simple. It was EXPECTED. Compared to what Brooke, Yvie and Plastique showcased, Silky look amateurish. I’m still waiting for her to crush a challenge and have a MOMENT.
7. Nina‘s not here because of her bottom finish tonight. I never felt like she was in danger of lip syncing. Michelle is still dead right about her proportions, but she gives her whole self to every appearance, and she does interesting stuff. The corn husk dress was a good idea, and I think it was mostly well-executed. Snatch Game SHOULD be Nina’s challenge to win. Let’s hope she seizes the moment.
8. I almost always forget Shuga. The runway was good, but not great. It was at an 8.75, and I wish she pushed it to 11. The ideas were good. I love the lavender and green color palette. I love the makeup choices. I liked the IDEA of the windswept hair, but I just wish she took everything further, refined it just this much more. Of all the remaining girls, I’m the least excited about her.
9. Yikes. What a way to go, Ra’Jah. I’m not sure who Ra’Jah pissed off to get the edit she did, but, man, what a sour note to leave on. Like Ross said, I agree that Ra’Jah just isn’t ready for primetime. But, more importantly, she’ll never be ready with that attitude. I hope she watches this back and learns something. Though, I worry she’ll just get more salty.

How would you rank the queens?

The post Hay, Gurl, Hay! RuPaul’s Drag Race Buys the Farm [RECAP and RANKINGS] appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

It just goes to show that not all the good episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars are the most eventful. The final stretch of the race is in sight, we just got to get up this last hill.

But even in the absence of any true gags, the episode flexed some of my favorite Drag Race muscles. The main challenge is a full-body-ody-ody workout, testing the queens’ creative, sewing, acting and branding skills. There’s a mini-challenge that is low-key savage, and, of course, there’s Ru serving cross-platform synergy boots the house down, yas gawd. Queens struggle with time, Ru’s walkthrough rattles and the elimination vote is our tensest yet.

Was it a perfect, or even GREAT episode? Nah. (That lip sync really ended the episode on a womp-womp.)

The plus side is, down to the final five, it feels like we’ve got nothing but real contenders left. (Sorry, Pandora.) I could see any one of these gals taking the crown and feeling justified. But how do they feel about each other?

That’s the conceit of this week’s mini-challenge. It’s a kind of Degrassi-style classroom set up for the ladies to vote each other for a set of superlatives. The trick is, you get a point if you vote with the popular girls. So, you’re playing the game on a couple levels. You want to be mindful of the message you send to potential allies and rivals, but you also want to think how the group will vote so you stay in the game (and potentially win a small cash prize.)

It’s kept very fun and light, but some hard truths are revealed. Kylie snags all the most low-key flattering superlatives that basically just affirm that she is unquestionably hot and people can’t resist her. Trinity is voted most moody, a surprise to no one but TKB herself. Eureka bears the brunt of the harsher critiques, snatching the top title of messiest, shadiest, gassiest and most likely to go home next.

The damage is done, and everyone is feeling a little rattled going into the next challenge. Ru intros the Drag Tots, an animated entry into the Drag Race Cinematic Universe starring several popular Drag Race alums. This week, the queens must create their own Drag Tots character, with name and backstory, design and create a costume from scratch that brings the character to life AND sell it all on the runway. In addition to all of that, the usual whims of Ru that are always coursing under the surface and made explicit. Ru wants to see subversion and wordplay and inspiration, but also, make it fun! My head’s spinning just trying to keep up. The result is a challenge that really pushes each queen creatively.

Trinity originally comes in a little message-heavy and sincere, but Ru convinces her to loosen up and embrace Bugs Bunny’s irreverence. Her character, Furleasha, is a hot-pink pussycat by way of Burning Man, and I am living. As a catwalk coach (cute!), she still manages to incorporate an empowering element, and TKB fills the performance with physicality and bounce.

Ginger’s tot is the most ready for primetime. Already looking straight out of the Drag Tots world, Ginger comes in with a fully fleshed-out character based on a Southern belle who tempers her tart personality using the Parasol of Poise. It’s absolutely chocked full of wordplay and dynamism, and the lewk is polished perfection. No notes!

The edit this week gives reason to worry about Ra’Jah, who immediately gets in her own head. Ru doesn’t help on the walkthrough. Ra’Jah presents “Queen See Me,” and Ru HATES the name. He’s got a point. It doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, unlike Ru’s favorite word, “mexicatassen,” which is undeniably fun to say.

Ra’Jah smartly takes Ru’s words to heart (much like last week’s Drag Race All Stars Snatch Game of Love), and she rebrands as “I See You Queen.” She spins a nice little story about how she gives people new perspective, and she reinforces the idea by covering her outfit in eyeballs, like something out of a Guillermo del Toro flick. She’s embracing her signature purple color, covering her hair, skin and clothes in various violet hues. I’ve come to understand Ra’Jah’s style a bit more. It’s sexy and slinky, but it’s also simple. Not in craft, mind you, (she constructs garments masterfully), but her lewks have an effortlessness about them that feels glamorous without the fussiness. Here it’s a purple, metallic, galactic fantasy head-to-toe, a disco dress over a catsuit. Everything works. And the piece de resistance, she has a line about being made fun for dancing off beat, suggesting to tell them they just can’t hear your song. Can I get an Amen? The judges eat it up, and she’s declared the winner.

Coming out of the superlative mini-challenge, all eyes (even all I See You Queen’s) were on Eureka. Smartly flipping a negative into a positive (is there nothing Ru likes more?), Eureka incorporates all the negative attributes she was assigned into an evil queen character. It’s the right idea, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The narrative just never comes together for me, and the crassness does a disservice to the kind of excellent children’s programming that deftly wields humor even within the confines of appropriateness. Her act-out presentation of the character is also lacking (likely due in part to the shaky character definition.) The outfit, though, is a stunner. She whips together a knockout gown with massive cowl neck and a huge castle headpiece, all in a delicious royal blue, all-over sequin print. Mama. Eureka has nothing to be ashamed of tonight.

Finally, we’ve got the obligatory “Will she finish in time?” storyline no design challenge would be complete without. This time, the focus is on Kylie, but it never feels like we’re truly in any real danger. Kylie herself reminds us, “I am a showgirl. I know how to rig up the gig.” (Which is now my new favorite mantra in times of stress!) She’s not lying! Despite sewing up to the last minute, the result is literally bewitching. Like a fashion-forward Margaret Hamilton, Kylie dons a black pointed hat and black sequin dress that casts a spell on the runway. The construction of the skirt gives the illusion of floating down the runway. There’s a beautiful little moment that deserves more praise when Kylie comes with a delightful little trick, rigging her broom to stand on its own on the stage. For a cherry on top, she has the most perfect bow on her back that gives the whole thing a 360 degree wow factor. Outside the obvious occult, there’s not much of a clear identity to Miss Behave. The lewk is great, but the character isn’t nearly as spellbinding.

Down to the wire, with Ra’Jah as this week’s winner, all the other queens are up for elimination. Barring a savage swerve to takeout the biggest competition, Eureka and Trinity feel the most in the danger on this vote. We’re at the point in the season where the numbers don’t add up cleanly enough for objective analysis. Does a win cancel out a bottom performance? Do we factor in mini-challenges? Lip-sync wins? There’s no formula here.

After a pot-stirring mini-challenge, a multidimension maxi and a high-stakes vote, I’m disappointed to say this week’s lip sync left A LOT to be desired. I don’t blame performers Ra’Jah and this week’s assassin Kameron Michaels, but rather the track. Look, I love Charli XCX like every other red-blooded, millennial homosexual, but “Boom Clap” is hardly a banger. The resulting lip sync feels below even the laziest local drag. There’s a lot of walking, pointing, etc. We get a glimpse of Kameron doing a cartwheel at one point, but it doesn’t feel in sync with the music and it’s a just a quick cutaway. Usually I’m watching these lip syncs fighting back the instinctual urge to throw my whole wallet at these queens. Not this week.

Kameron wins, sure, whatever, and the queens vote to send Eureka home.

But don’t mourn the elephant queen, my friends. Next week, finally, we see the game within a game, and perhaps Eureka will once again make a triumphant return, like a phoenix from the ashes.

Where do we stand now?

1. Ginger and Trinity have been neck-and-neck for weeks now, but after TKB’s sloppy Snatch and merely fine showing this week, Ginger has crept into the lead. Her character could be the star of her own show tomorrow, and, if there was a real Tara Belle doll available wearing that runway outfit, I would buy it! And I’m not even one of those people into dolls! Is there anything Ginger can’t do?
2. She may be down, but she is in no way out. Trinity still has the crown within reach, but these haven’t been her best weeks. Still, Trin is light-years ahead of where we last left her in season six. I really hope she becomes as ubiquitous of Bianca and Alaska and Trixie. Hopefully, these are just her struggle weeks, so she can overcome this hurdle for an even more satisfying conclusion.
3. It’s a great time for Ra’Jah to be peaking. What a savvy queen! She listens so well, and she knows exactly her strengths. I love the buoyant, disco boogie energy she brings to the stage. I wasn’t a big fan during her original season, but now I’m a full convert. I do worry her taste level may be a problem at some point. Can Ra’Jah bring finale-level DRAMA and ELEGANZA? We will see.
4. A fourth-place spot for Kylie is in no way meant to imply she’s so much further from the crown. This is a very tight race still, and Kylie has defied all expectations across all categories this season. Even Snatch Game, which many (including myself) predicted would be her Achilles’ heel, was a smashing success. She keeps surprising, which makes her a thrill to watch.
5. Eureka‘s languishing finally caught up with her. I had more faith in the judges’/producers’ love of Eureka to keep her around until the end, but I definitely can see how this was her time. With no wins, she was the obvious choice. The fact next week is already the eliminated queens’ potential chance for redemption, this may be a way for everyone to have their cake and eat it, too.

What did you think of the episode?

Catch up on our RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars coverage.

It’s hard not to be deflated coming off last week’s epic lip sync game-within-a-game on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars season six. The thrilling lip sync competition was an easy crowd-pleaser, and it had the built-in narrative of Silky’s dominance and ultimate redemption.

Of course, that last lip sync against Eureka landed with a thud, which already left a funky taste in the mouth (and I don’t mean Mexicatassen).

All of that said, the rest of the episode didn’t help build momentum. The challenges were meh, the performances were fine and the final result was a bummer. Considering how much I’ve grown to love all these queens, I should’ve enjoyed all this a lot more.

Let’s back up.

Fresh off the bat, we need to resolve our little cliffhanger from last week. Ru rightly selects Eureka to return to the competition, but Silky doesn’t miss a beat. She’s firing off jokes, she’s immediately processing to camera how this is still such an achievement. Even Ru extends a LEGENDARY designation to the good doctor. (I wonder if that will become the Paul Hollywood handshake of Drag Race All Stars in future seasons.)

Eureka returns, just in time for a Pride-themed mini-challenge. What makes this one strange to watch is it feels like there’s an unspoken aspect of this challenge: The clothing provided, courtesy Levi’s, is hideous. It’s one of those tacky Pride collections with, like, the laziest slogans and iconography. So they’re dragging it up into quick drag, pulling together an outfit that says “Demon Twink and Frankie Grande exploded in a Target,” they look insane. But the eventual winner, Kylie, wins … the whole collection to take home. Um, thanks?

It’s the maxi challenge that really starts to go off the rails. This week, the queens will be performing in the Charisma Uniqueness Nerve Talent Monologues. (Think The Moth, but in wigs.) It needs to be entertaining, but not too polished; funny, but not stand-up; it needs to be written, but not feel written.

It’s already a tall order. I mean, it’s not like it’s reasonable to ask anyone to basically craft a three-minute version of Nanette on the spot, but all the queens make an admirable effort.

On top of all that, there’s that sneaky requirement that it also somehow inspires or reveals some vulnerability. Come on! Look, I’m a big, emotional sucker. I love to be inspired! But how many challenges must these drag queens dance, sew, act, sing AND also be the voice of a generation?

Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing queer people’s stories. If there was a channel that played only this, I would watch, and I would shame all my friends and family into watching it or I’d threaten to tell everyone they’re homophobic. When it comes to Drag Race though, sometimes I just want a twirl, not a TedTalk.

Even though all five girls do an admirable job with solid stories, the whole thing feels underwhelming. I wish the mainstage did some more dramatic lighting. I know COVID likely limited the number of people on set, having only the judges’ sporadic laughter did a disservice to some of the night’s stronger performances.

Trinity, feeling shook by the prospect of potentially being eliminated this close to the crown, is certainly in her head in the work room, crunching numbers, trying to gauge her competitors’ plans and motives. Her story takes a nice little emotional journey from catfish to guardian angel that leaves plenty of room to stroke Ru’s ego as well.

There appeared to be reason to be concerned for Ra’Jah, but. after a slight stumble on the mainstage, she takes off. She’s got a wild tale about her tuck coming undone while performing. It’s dynamic, and Ra’Jah has a charm, but she is visibly the least comfortable person up there, struggling to remember her lines early on.

It’s another good week for Kylie, whose story is a heartbreaking, but ultimately heartwarming story about how she went from military school to her first night performing drag. She has such a stage presence, and her drawl just slathers everything she says in sweet honey. Plus, she weaves so many jokes into her set. “He was gayer than two guys blowing five guys,” was such a well-placed joke. It’s moving, it’s one of the funnier sets of the night, and she constructs a really satisfying arc.

Ginger, obviously, slays. It’s a Hallmark-ready story about a little gay boy in Baptist Florida getting caught playing in momma’s heels, only for her to later present a gift-wrapped box with a pair for little Ginger. (Where is that episode of Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings?!) She looks gorgeous, and she commands the stage like a total pro. The only criticism the judges can muster, and it’s a stretch, is, I don’t know, maybe it was too perfect? Um, thanks?

Finally, our returning queen knows the pressure is on. Eureka is probably best keyed in to Ru’s sense of humor, and she goes hard on a story about pooping herself. It’s big and baudy, and Ru can’t get enough. Despite rocking a bodysuit, even Michelle has to give props for a chic little Playboy bunny ensemble that may be one of Eureka’s best looks. The judges award her the win.

That means all four other girls are up for elimination, which means we’re destined for heartbreak. There is no good candidate. Crunching the numbers, Trinity has statistically the worst “track record.” There’s a lot of hemming and hawing, but it’s too tight for them to give anything away during deliberations.

Back on the mainstage, we have a winner returning in Jaida Essence Hall. So good to see her! She and Eureka turn it out to “Good Golly Miss Molly” by Little Richard, leaving Ru no choice but call it a tie. Both Eureka and the gals picked Trinity, which logically makes sense, but emotionally feels wrong?

So where does that leave us? Damned if I know! Trinity was my top pick most of this season, and now it feels like truly anyone’s to lose.

1. Stranger things have happened, but maybe it’ll be Eureka to surprise us all. She’s a great candidate. She was a polarizing queen in her earlier runs; she has an extended platform thanks to HBO’s We’re Here; and it’s a gag for a returning competitor to make it all the way. All these gals are worthy, including Eureka. She needed this win, and it’s a well-timed boost coming into the final stretch. I didn’t think her Fashion Oops was the most clever, but she looked great as someone looking bad.
2. Ginger almost seems too obvious. She’s been steadily stupendous on this run, a consummate professional. She brought so much professionalism and craft to those awful acting challenges. Carson’s comment about being too refined (echoing earlier feedback in rehearsal that she was too pageanty) could be her downfall. Ginger had the showiest Fashion Oops, but she never let the gimmicks distract from her performance as she came down the runway.
3. Did you hear when Ra’Jah said she made ALL OF HER CLOTHES on the mainstage? That’s amazing. Especially tonight’s. I adored the fuchsia half get-up she put on for a Fashion Oops, but it was also the way she performed with the garment. And when she finally put it on at the end, it was just beautiful, even if it only covered half her body. (Especially because it only covered half?) The main challenge sort of performance doesn’t seem to come naturally to Ra’Jah, which is ok! If anything, it made her successful story tonight even more impressive.
4. Don’t get me wrong, I think Kylie still has a real shot at the crown. I have a feeling she’ll do great shooting a music video, and she’s had some real high highs throughout the season. Her story tonight struck a really nice (and difficult) balance, and she had everyone on the edge of their seat. I wish Fashion Oops had just a little something else. (Maybe Michelle was onto something with the glitter.) The corn dog bit was good, but the callback during critiques was GREAT.
5. Sigh. I get it. Someone had to go. Much like I wish I could’ve seen Silky end her dominant lip sync run with a return, I wish we could see Trinity overcome her season six sads, earn a legion of new fans and take her rightful place in the Hall of Fame. Sadly, that’s just not how it’s going down. By all objective measures, it had to be Trinity. She was inconsistent, her outlook was getting grim. The judges thought her performance needed more air, and the Fashion Oops didn’t pop. These are minor critiques, but we are at the penultimate episode of All Stars. Trinity certainly can leave with her head held high. She showed us that she is THE drag Beyoncé, all her lewks were fierce, she showed off comedy drops and inspiring stories. She’s well on her way to legendary.

How would you rank the RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars queens this week?

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